Maiden’s Journey

Office day today, so back to normal, in most senses I suppose, after the imagined drama of nothing happening yesterday.   My head is certainly doing its normal thing: I've had a small disappointment, therefore the whole trans idea is nonsense, I'm kidding myself, I'm just a man and always will be, blah blah blah.  Every single time I even think of doing anything and then pull back from taking the leap, do I go back around this never ending cycle of doubt and negative thinking.  I even know I'm doing it and that it isn't real, but still spend the whole day telling myself bad things.  So now I am frustrated at myself for doing this yet again.   Even someone commented on my Twitter from yesterday's blog that it doesn't get better by leaving it longer and I replied that I knew that the outcome would be the same today, tomorrow, next week, next year, ten years hence.  Which rationally I know is the case, so there is no point in putting it off because i...

Sunday today and with a free day and the teenager out for the day, it would have been the ideal time to speak with my wife.  But once again I didn't.   I'm really frustrated that I just can't manage to do it.   I am preventing myself from ever doing anything.   What am I going to do, spend the rest of my life hiding my underwear and day dreaming? This is just the same as any other day really, but because I had this sort of vague idea that today should be the day, I am now feeing really down about it.   I would try to focus on the positives, like today is actually one month of shaved legs and underwear, but I am not feeling positive and those seem trivial now.  

I said at the weekend I would have time to properly think about objectively reviewing my options as regards transition or partial or not; and then the pros and cons of each.  There is of course a broad spectrum of options from being 100% man (whatever that means!) to full transition.  Far too many choices to even begin to list, never mind analyse the pros and cons of.   For me there are only two options anyway: all or nothing. By which I mean, I can either stay as I am, ostensibly male but secretly doing some small amount of feminine expression for my own benefit; or I go all in and fully transition to female socially, medically and surgically.   I think there is no middle ground for me because I already am in the middle ground doing as much as I can reasonably getting away with whilst still maintaining my life as it is.   I know that there are intermediate steps, all of which I will have to pass through of course, but I don't feel I can stop at a...

One of the problems of not yet speaking to my wife about my transness is that I can’t just pop my female underwear in the laundry basket with all my other clothes. It’s not that I expect her to do all my laundry by the way, we don’t do stereotypical gender roles in our house (I wonder why?!) but she does tend to do it more often than I do and set it going whilst I’m working. I’m quite surprised that she hasn’t yet noticed that I have put no male underwear in the laundry for a month to be honest. But even if she isn’t paying it much attention, a pile of women’s knickers is probably going to get her wondering.  As a result, I have got to the end of my supply.  I was in town today for a meeting so I had the opportunity to go to the shop and get some more.  The lingerie department used to be such a big thing to enter as a man. It always felt forbidden to me to go in. But also fascinating and exciting with all the variety of colours and styles and shapes. When I was younger an...

After yesterday's blog, one of my Twitter connections Joanne (@JoNextSteps) reached out via DM with the suggestion that I could try to objectively set out the pros and cons of my different options.   This makes sense and is the way I would approach a project at work for a client.  I wouldn't just let them go around in circles never deciding anything (well some do, you can't help everyone if they don't want to help themselves). I would apply some logic and structure to the discussions.  I'd sit down and identify all the options.  There are usually one or two that are non-starters so don't warrant detailed consideration.  Then the remainder, we work through, understand the benefits, costs, risks, etc. and an informed decision can be made.   This seems like a good thing to do for my situation. List my options.  Analyse each of them.  Choose the best.    That feels like quite a big project and not something I can dash off in a snat...

There is some cliché motivational quote that I see on Pinterest quite often that goes something like "everything you want is on the other side of what you fear".  Or words to that effect.   I don't know whether this is true or not, but I do feel that I am at that sort of point in my life.   If everything that I want is to be Nicola, live as a woman, and all that entails, then all of that lives on the other side of coming out to my wife, which is of course, the thing that I fear.   Why do I still use "if" when talking about transition?   Am I still doubtful about whether it is what I want?  Whether it's possible?  Am I really trans? Would facing the fear be easier if I could be 100% confident in these things?   The easy one: is it possible?  Yes, loads of people transition. I have done my research and I know how to do it.   Am I really trans?  Seriously, am I asking myself this again? And again?  OK...

Having talked yesterday about whether I can transition and hope to progress my career, my feeling today is that I'd probably rather be me.  I work closely with a woman in my team and we get on quite well.  I haven't come out to her or anything like that, but I have been able to share a few little things and she is encouraging.  We were talking today about hair, as I had to rearrange an appointment to work around a meeting, and she asked why I am going to get it cut if I want long hair.  I replied that it needs tidying and levelling up as the front and back are mis-matched, and that it's far more complicated than just hair.  This is a long way from coming out or sharing who I am, but dropping a hint.    We have talked about hair before and she knows that I would like to grow it out to a bob, like actor Jodie Whittaker has in Dr Who.  Funny, I had forgotten that I had told her that. I am still surprised that I would have, because telling someone tha...

Today was an office day so very much boymode. Well apart from the underwear, but no one else knows about that.  I do like the office though as it is majority women and being around them is helpful in learning how to be.  My role in the organisation is quite senior but there is an opportunity maybe, to take a step up. I was speaking with a colleague today who was encouraging me to go for it. I’m keen and would like the role but more importantly feel that I should be doing it.  There are some issues here though.  The place I work has no trans people. At all.  The leadership team has only ever had one woman, and certainly no trans women or any member of the LGBT community.  It’s not that they are actively sexist or discriminatory, but it’s self evidently not a culture that has enabled women to progress equally. Being an almost all-male group, it is not a culture that I naturally fit into or feel comfortable in.  To take this on as male me, is a serious en...

Having set out to make 2023 my year to start transition and been doing a few small things towards that for over three weeks now, the big un-done task is talking to my wife about it.  During this time, I have been through a few cycles of "am I doing the right thing?" but (as I wrote yesterday) I have (for now) figured it all out and rationalised to myself why full transition is what is needed for me to truly be able to be the person I feel I am and need to be.   The logical immediate next step would therefore be to charge out of the closet full-speed and tell my wife and family this is who I am and what I am doing.  Today, I had plenty of time alone with her and so the ideal opportunity.    Of course I didn't actually do that.   I just thought about it, worried about it, felt uncertain, didn't say anything, and then the opportunity had passed.   Why do I keep doing this? Partly, it is scary because coming out is a one-way ticket.  On...

This journey has been long and all the time, I am learning about myself.  There has been a whole lot of self doubt and questioning and going around and around the same loops. But I think it’s all coming together and making sense now.  I’m now clear that it isn’t clothing. I’m not as I have sometimes worried, just a cross dresser who has got carried away with the idea and thinks he’s trans. Wearing a skirt is nice, but it doesn’t mean anything on its own.  Nor is it about female embodiment fantasy or autogynephilia. Sure the idea of boobs is nice but I have found that the more I normalise thinking of myself as a woman, the less I think about the physical aspects as an end in themselves and more just as a thing that I will have because that’s normal for women.  It is far more important to me to be able to fit in with women, be one of the girls and be accepted as one of them. Wearing a skirt by myself doesn’t do that. Some of the happiest times of my life have revolved ...

Although I have exclusively worn female underwear every day this year, for whatever reason, I haven't had the opportunity to wear any other affirming clothing.   Today though, I had the house to myself for a good seven hours before my wife would get back and teenager return from school.  I was working from home and had a few video meetings, but not a problem provided my top-half was ostensible boy-mode.  I therefore got to spend the whole day wearing a skirt and tights (pantyhose) rather than trousers, and a bra under a shirt and jumper which kept it hidden from the laptop camera.   This was perhaps surprisingly, my first experience of wearing tights with smooth shaved legs, which I have to say, is a game changer.  They feel great and so much better than wearing them over horrible hairy man legs.  Surprising to me, they were warmer than expected.  The weather is pretty chilly in the UK this week but my legs felt warm and no worse than trouser...

Today I had to pee standing like a man, which was the first time this year.  Sorry if that is an overshare! Or if it seems like I’m a bit obsessed with how I use the toilet.  But it is a thing I set out to do forevermore as part of my new life trying to live as a woman and so breaking it is a little bit disappointing.  I did know when I set out that there would be some occasions whilst I was still presenting male that I might have to do it like a man. Pubs and sports grounds are set up for men to go as efficiently as possible with minimal provision for sitting. I tend to have to go to work events for business development at these places so there was always going to come a time when I would have to go and trying to keep my resolution would not be realistic without raising questions.  Today was one of those days, lunch in a pub and I had to do what I had to do.  It felt quite strange having got used to being like a woman in that way, but also familiar, obviously....

I don't think there has been any more bad news than usual, or maybe I'm just more sensitive to it because I'm on the cusp of doing something, but everywhere I look lately I'm seeing negative and anti-trans news.  Social media is always a double-edged sword.  It has been a great way to connect with other trans folk and find community, but it also exposes me to what the haters are saying.  Not directly, but where I see people commenting on posts from influential anti-trans people, or protesting about new laws being introduced in their countries or states to remove the rights of trans people.  This has an impact on me.  I live a nice sheltered life where everyone I come into contact with on a regular basis would be opposed to all kinds of prejudice.  Seeing these posts shows me the rest of the world where prejudice and hate are the norm.   In the UK, trans issues are mainstream news.  The recent passing of a liberalisation of trans rights in Sco...

I’m more than half way through the first month of the year I planned to transition and it has to be admitted that I am not quite on schedule and a couple of big things haven’t yet been done.  I have almost abandoned the whole idea a couple of times and in those moments I was glad of the things I haven’t done.  But now I’m glad that I haven’t stopped and am feeling that I could have done them and been further forward.  Obviously the single biggest thing that remains undone on my trans to-do list is to speak to my wife about what I want to do with my life.  In my original plan for January I was to have presented to her as Nicola already. I shaved my legs in readiness so I could wear a skirt with tights, which took ages! And maintenance is a bit of a hassle too, but the effect is so worth it.  I had envisaged that by this stage of the month I would be dressing low key femme at weekends, in leggings or skinny jeans to give her some time to get used to seeing me in g...

I’m still not sure about what I am doing or should be doing but some of the serious negative thoughts that I was having after getting told by the doctor that they would not be willing to provide any support my transition at all have begun to ease.  There are ways around that problem so it is more of an annoyance than a barrier.  I have spent a few days going over in my head what I want, why I am wanting to do this, what I hope to gain, what might I lose. Which has been as productive as these self arguments usually are. i.e. not at all. It’s basically the same cycle as the “am I really trans” / “am I trans enough?” self debates but I am just over thinking the same things from a different starting point.  Looking for an alternative way of being is not dissimilar. If transitioning is too hard, then could I just carry on as I am? Of course but I got to this point because that life doesn’t fulfil me. Trying to imagine a halfway best of both worlds where I get to tell everyone ...

I sort of said the words to my wife, but in an out of context way, and she didn't pick up on it.   A bit of a strange conversation, but she was incensed by the injustice of gender inequality, sexism and mysogyny generally and the appalling behaviour of men in all manner of ways.   I actually completely agree with her on all of these things being wrong and that men in a general sense, have much to answer for.   Where it got difficult was because she wanted to take all the wrong of mankind out on me, as a representative of "men".   I do like to think of myself as being one of the good guys, and I am certainly not guilty of any of the things that were being fired at me as the problems with my gender (as a generality).   Which I did point out.  But apparently that just makes me culpable for not actively going out and stopping other men doing these things.   There is an irony to all of these accusations of course: I'm not a man...

Having started the year with a feeling of certainty I’m going through a period of strong doubt about whether transition is right for me.  I have survived for decades pretending to be a man so I know that I am able to do that. I also know that my life will be a lot easier if I do that.  Except that I don’t feel like a man, don’t relate to other men and nor do I want to.  I feel like a woman, relate to women and want to be one of the girls. Being physically male means I can only be around the periphery of the female groups, accepted to a point but always “other”.   Would transitioning give me that? Or would I still always be something “other” and not really one of them because I’m not quite a “real” woman?  I have been trying to work out if there is any way that I can be Nicola that allows me to feel like I’m being myself and to be open to the world about who I am inside, that isn’t social and physical transition?  Is there a sort of intermediate position whe...

I know that I shouldn’t just react to one small set back and give up, but the doctor refusing to help in any way has hit me hard and caused me to question everything.  I’m sure it’s coincidence but seemingly all the social media posts I’ve seen from trans people today have been about lack of medical support, discrimination or laws being passed everywhere to make it even harder to exist.  Everything I have seen or heard just seems to be telling me that I am doing the wrong thing.  It is not as though I didn’t know transitioning would be really difficult but maybe I had sort of put that to the back of my mind in the “I’m sure that’ll be fine” box and not thought too much about it. Refusal of support from the doctor has reopened that box and brought all the difficulties into focus and they are scaring me.  If I am going to have to endure years of struggle and pain to transition, which anyone transitioning does, then what is on the other side of that? Is it worth it?...

No. That’s the answer.  The question was whether or not they would be willing to provide blood tests and prescriptions alongside a private gender clinic that would provide the treatment plan for medical transition.  It seems their policy is not to work with any organisation outside of the NHS (the state healthcare system in the UK).  There is an NHS gender provision and they did offer an appointment to discuss a referral to the gender identity clinic for the region.  That’s kind of them, but the regional GIC is famous for having the longest waiting list of anywhere.  If I got a referral now, it would literally be a new decade before I could expect a first appointment.  Given that I have already left it very late to start, there is absolutely no point in contemplating a start date at least seven years older.  This is my first attempt to get any king of support with my transition and I get the door slammed in my face.  I imagine that is what is goin...

The doctors haven’t called me today so nothing has progressed.  I’m feeling kind of ambivalent about this to be honest. Nothing happening and still being stuck is frustrating but also, I am scared of having that call. Partly, because someone I don’t know is going to be asking me about the single biggest thing in my world and I am going to have to open up to them and I expect they will be judging me. But also, when I have that conversation, the plans that only exist in my head get real. I will be setting real things in motion that will change my life.  I have been thinking a lot about this today.  Transitioning feels like a journey from here to womanhood. I have been hanging around the station for a long time but when I made contact with the doctors surgery, I got on the train. When I have that call, the train is going to leave the station.  There are many stops along the way and I know that I have the option to get off at any of them. I don’t have to complete the jou...

At the start of the year I was feeling particularly brave one day and used the online contact service to enquire whether my local doctor would be willing to work alongside a private gender clinic to provide blood tests and prescriptions to their treatment plan.  This was my first time of contacting any kind of medical provider about my gender or plan to transition and it felt like a really big deal to put down in writing, in a formal context what I want.  I said explicitly that I am trans gender. That I intend to transition, start a programme of feminising hormone treatment and ultimately go for reassignment surgery.  These are very big things to say, and even writing them now gives me a little flutter of both excitement and fear.  Putting them in a formal request to my doctor is an even bigger thing. It is actually starting something and whilst I can of course change my mind and stop at any time, my big secret has been revealed and will presumably be entered into my...

So far this year I have been feeling certain that transition is what I want and that I am going to do it this year. In fact I have already started in a small way and I like how I am feeling about it.  Today though I felt a brief sense of doubt and I don’t know why. I am fortunate to have two cis friends that I have been able to be open with and talk about my gender identity and my journey (or until recently, my lack of actual journey). One of them has been very busy with work lately so we haven’t managed to catch-up for a while. Today I thought I would email her to let her know what my plans are and what steps I have been taking.  As I was typing it though, it somehow didn’t feel right. Saying that I had decided this year I was going to transition didn’t have the same feeling of certainty or commitment as it did at the start of the year. Telling her about my switch to female underwear and always sitting to pee just felt a little bit silly. Maybe it is because we haven’t been i...

Obviously gender is quite a big thing in my life but some days, it’s not at the forefront of my mind and I’m just getting on with stuff. Today was one of those days I suppose.  I have still maintained my small acts of femininity: I am wearing female underwear and always sitting to pee. These are habits now and are how I am expressing being a woman to myself. Where they were quite a big deal to begin with, now it is just my normal and fades into the background and out of mind.  This morning was a bit of a risk. I was up first as usual and put on a dressing gown / Bath robe rather than get properly dressed before breakfast. This is knee length so my smooth hairless lower legs were on show. My wife came down whilst I was having a coffee and we spoke for a while before I went upstairs to shower. Having always had very hairy legs, my sudden smoothness would take some explaining. Well it would if she had noticed. On the one hand, it’s good that I didn’t get caught out, but on the ot...

I have been thinking today about how I am feeling, how I’m seeing myself, what I’m feeling about the future and so on.  I haven’t yet begun hormone treatment or anything really, so there is no basis for this change other than mindset.  I feel more a woman than ever. I feel more certain that I will transition. Unfortunately, I also feel dysphoria way more than ever before.  Last night I slept in the new crop top I bought. It was still comfortable when I woke up and I kept it on for a couple of hours before the family got up, by which time I was barely aware of having it on, so I’m happy with the fit and comfort. This is actually my least pretty item of underwear, being entirely plain and made for comfort not attractiveness but it has taken on a greater significance for me than anything else I have. That’s because I bought it for a purpose and part of my transition journey. I will wear these when I begin hormones and start breast development. That is the single biggest thin...

Today was supposed to be the day that I was finally going to have the conversation with my wife and long story short, I didn’t.  So once again, I am no further forward and feeling disappointed in my own weakness and failure to ask for what I need and want.  We did have a nice evening and I cooked a delicious dinner, if I do say so myself, but somehow things being good between us seems to make it harder to drop a bombshell on our relationship. Why spoil a nice evening?  Not spoiling her evening though is slowing my progress and that is spoiling my future.  It’s not that my failure to do this is completely blocking me from taking steps. I can continue in secret and probably even get away with doing the medical appointments without her knowing and start taking hormones all before absolutely needing to tell her. Although I do feel that going that far without sharing what I am doing will feel more like betrayal to her so the potential reaction might be worse then than if ...

Just in time as I have run out of clean knickers!  If you’re following this, you’ll recall that I was concerned that getting lingerie delivered to home would “out” me to my wife. And I also ordered it knowing that to try and force myself to have the conversation with her. Because I like to put pressure on myself unnecessarily! I haven’t managed to have the conversation of course but I have got away with it for now, as the packaging is opaque and she doesn’t know what’s in there. I just said I had ordered some new pants to replace my old ones. The delivery was from M&S and if you’re not UK resident, you may not know that this is the store most British people get their underwear from, so it was a bit of a giveaway!  So anyway, forces awkward conversation averted for now, but sooner or later she will notice there’s no boxers in the laundry basket and wonder what I’ve been wearing all week so I’m going to have to explain myself in the near future.  But I do now have my op...

Today is my seventh day of wearing female underwear full time and of always sitting to pee. I’ve done a week, yay!  I know that this is a really trivial and mundane thing to be celebrating but actually in day-to-day life it is one of the things that women do differently to men, so it does mean something to me. More than just the symbolism though, I committed to doing this as the way I live now and something I will do for the rest of my life because that is how women live. It therefore does mean something to me to have kept it up for a week already. It actually already has become habitual and feels natural, it doesn’t even occur to me to go standing now. This is me as a woman and I feel good about it.  A big step: I have contacted my doctor to enquire whether they are able to work alongside a private gender clinic to provide blood tests and prescriptions for the hormones. It was only an online form, but this was the first time I have formally contacted them, or indeed anyone, t...

Ok, so I thought it would be a good idea to try to make myself talk to my wife by giving myself a deadline of sorts, by ordering some lingerie for delivery to home. The website says 5-7 days standard delivery, estimated next Monday. This gives me a bit of time to get my courage up and do what’s necessary.  Today, an email from the company to say the goods have been dispatched from the warehouse. It’s not going to be Monday, it’s likely Thursday (or worst case, tomorrow!). I have less time than I thought and am now feeling more pressure.  I guess the lesson here, is be careful setting things in motion when you’re not fully prepared for them to happen!  Assuming that I get away with it tomorrow and aren’t outed by my package arriving early, then tomorrow absolutely has to be the day that I talk to her.  No more procrastinating will be possible. 

First the cowardice: I had numerous opportunities today to speak with my wife and I failed to do so. I didn’t feel able to be the one to spoil her day. I’m ruining my own possibilities for being me, because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else.  As for the slightly rash purchase, I have ordered some more women’s underwear. Two packs of five knickers as I will soon be running out of clean underwear now I am wearing female underwear full time. Also, a three pack of crop tops as I will be needing to start wearing these once I start on hormones and my breasts begin to form. This of itself isn’t reckless, I have purchased all sorts of female clothing and underwear before. The thing I have done this time though, is order it for delivery to home. If a load of lingerie turns up for me, that is going to need some explanation. So I have basically done this to force my own hand. I have to find the courage to start the conversation before the delivery arrives and puts me.  This seeme...

I have sort of got over the disappointment of not talking to my wife last night, or at least the initial pain has passed.  I tried again today and I think I have worked out how to open the conversation now, but there never seemed to be quite the right time. So I am no further forward, but at least I am not feeling like crying when I go to be tonight.  The opening that I am planning is to say that the new year makes me think about what I want for the coming year and that my life is passing by. Then to say that I have known since I was 11 that I should have been a girl. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as being trans until I saw a documentary about a trans sexual (as they were known in the eighties) when I was 16. I knew then that was what I was and what I wanted for myself but it seemed impossible and like something I could never actually do, so I repressed my feelings. But now, it feels like it is possible and my life is passing and I haven’t done the biggest thing th...