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28 January - objective approach to understanding what I want

I said at the weekend I would have time to properly think about objectively reviewing my options as regards transition or partial or not; and then the pros and cons of each. 

There is of course a broad spectrum of options from being 100% man (whatever that means!) to full transition.  Far too many choices to even begin to list, never mind analyse the pros and cons of.  

For me there are only two options anyway: all or nothing. By which I mean, I can either stay as I am, ostensibly male but secretly doing some small amount of feminine expression for my own benefit; or I go all in and fully transition to female socially, medically and surgically.  

I think there is no middle ground for me because I already am in the middle ground doing as much as I can reasonably getting away with whilst still maintaining my life as it is.  

I know that there are intermediate steps, all of which I will have to pass through of course, but I don't feel I can stop at any of them and feel satisfied.  I want to be a woman.  Dressing as one but not having the experience of a female hormone make-up and how that affects my emotions is not having the experience.  I know many do (and I don't question their decision at all), but I can't see myself as a woman if I have male genitals because in my mind, they are "man" and I can't see past that.  

The answer to all of this is in the middle of the paragraph above: I want to be a woman. 

Trying to do any kind of objective assessment of which way I should go is just kidding myself. I know what I want and have done for years.  I've wished I was a girl since puberty and wanted to transition ever since I learned that it was possible a few years after that.  I have just been too afraid to do it.  No amount of 'pros' for my male life and 'cons' for my transition are going to change this fact.  Also, I am really bad at lying to myself and I know I would 'fix' the result to get the answer I want!

The question isn't what I want and what should I do, it is how do I manage getting what I want?

It does, as it always has, come back to the one thing I keep putting off: talking to my wife. 

Nothing I can do, think, write, is ever going to make any difference to that fact, any more than it will change what I want.  

I want to fully transition.  I can only do that if I talk to my wife.  


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