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2 January - more cowardice and a rash purchase

First the cowardice: I had numerous opportunities today to speak with my wife and I failed to do so. I didn’t feel able to be the one to spoil her day. I’m ruining my own possibilities for being me, because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else. 

As for the slightly rash purchase, I have ordered some more women’s underwear. Two packs of five knickers as I will soon be running out of clean underwear now I am wearing female underwear full time. Also, a three pack of crop tops as I will be needing to start wearing these once I start on hormones and my breasts begin to form. This of itself isn’t reckless, I have purchased all sorts of female clothing and underwear before. The thing I have done this time though, is order it for delivery to home. If a load of lingerie turns up for me, that is going to need some explanation. So I have basically done this to force my own hand. I have to find the courage to start the conversation before the delivery arrives and puts me. 

This seemed like a good idea when I thought I would be able to have the conversation today. Now it feels like the clock is ticking and pressure is mounting. 

In other news, I painted my toenails pink. My legs now, all smooth with pink toenails look so feminine and just gorgeous. So that’s a positive. 

And today is now five days of female underwear and of sitting to pee every time. It has become my norm already and I never even think to stand. It is the one sense in which I have begun to try and live as a woman this year. 

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