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6 January - I disappoint myself again

Today was supposed to be the day that I was finally going to have the conversation with my wife and long story short, I didn’t. 

So once again, I am no further forward and feeling disappointed in my own weakness and failure to ask for what I need and want. 

We did have a nice evening and I cooked a delicious dinner, if I do say so myself, but somehow things being good between us seems to make it harder to drop a bombshell on our relationship. Why spoil a nice evening? 

Not spoiling her evening though is slowing my progress and that is spoiling my future. 

It’s not that my failure to do this is completely blocking me from taking steps. I can continue in secret and probably even get away with doing the medical appointments without her knowing and start taking hormones all before absolutely needing to tell her. Although I do feel that going that far without sharing what I am doing will feel more like betrayal to her so the potential reaction might be worse then than if I do it now. 

There is also the small practical matter of my underwear. I need to continue with wearing feminine underwear every day as this is part of who I am and what I am doing and although I now have an extra ten days worth I will eventually need to do some laundry! In the meantime she might start to wonder why there is none of my male underwear in the laundry. I don’t want to be outed by my pants! Or the absence of them. And I absolutely do not want to go back to wearing boxers every day. That would be such a backwards step having made a decision to make that part of my life female going forward. 

Speaking of underwear, I did console myself in my failure to have the conversation by trying on one of my new crop tops. I bought these for when I start hormones and the breast budding phase when I won’t yet need a bra but will need to cover and protect them as I have heard this stage they can be quite tender and painful. I also won’t be out in most areas of life so a crop top is easier to hide under male clothing than a bra. 

Because they’re very stretchy, they look tiny when I took them out of the packaging but they do fit and provide coverage and support. I think for full time wear, and once things start to grow there, I might be better with the next size up, but to begin with, this is comfortable enough. The fabric is really soft so hopefully it will protect me when things get too sensitive and they’re hurting. 

I’m going to sleep in it and see how it feels when I wake up. 

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