Skip to main content

23 January - how can I transition AND do the things I need to do

Today was an office day so very much boymode. Well apart from the underwear, but no one else knows about that. 

I do like the office though as it is majority women and being around them is helpful in learning how to be. 

My role in the organisation is quite senior but there is an opportunity maybe, to take a step up. I was speaking with a colleague today who was encouraging me to go for it. I’m keen and would like the role but more importantly feel that I should be doing it. 

There are some issues here though. 

The place I work has no trans people. At all. 

The leadership team has only ever had one woman, and certainly no trans women or any member of the LGBT community. 

It’s not that they are actively sexist or discriminatory, but it’s self evidently not a culture that has enabled women to progress equally. Being an almost all-male group, it is not a culture that I naturally fit into or feel comfortable in. 

To take this on as male me, is a serious enough challenge.

But I also want to stop being male me and go into the world as myself. 

It feels like these two things are mutually exclusive, or at best incompatible. This is not a group of people that is ready to be led by a trans woman. Or as they will likely see it, a man in a dress. 

How can I transition and do what I need to do? 

Having said that though, wouldn’t it be awesome?  I love the idea of being the first trans person to do this in our company. It would make my job much harder for sure, but I would be so visible and be blazing a trail for others to follow and making a difference for equality. 

It would be lovely if we lived in a society where I could be openly trans and enjoy the same opportunities as my cis male colleagues. 

But I think it’s only possible to get to that position if I make the move before coming out. That feels like using male privilege and lacking integrity but even if it feels wrong, the end justifies the means if I can make it possible for others to follow without having to do that. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more

31 Dec 25 - reflecting on the past year

I could see 2025 as a failure.  After all, I started the year with the intention to begin my transition. I still haven’t started.  I made initial contact with the endocrinologist clinic about feminising hormone therapy, but then didn’t progress that at all as soon as I encountered the blood test hurdle.  Here at the beginning of 2026, I am no closer to living as a woman than I was at the beginning of 2025. I have not come out to anyone, I don’t have a hormone prescription, my body is still male, my presentation is still full time male, everyone still knows me only as my male name.  Has the longing to be a woman gone away because I haven’t done anything about it? No. Obviously.  Although I have not begun transitioning, I have achieved a couple of things this year.  One is that I survived my wife catching me out and finding a pair of knickers that I had forgotten to hide. It was awful, and she was terribly upset, but I got through it and that is somethi...
Post a Comment
Read more