Skip to main content

9 January - a little doubt?

So far this year I have been feeling certain that transition is what I want and that I am going to do it this year. In fact I have already started in a small way and I like how I am feeling about it. 

Today though I felt a brief sense of doubt and I don’t know why. I am fortunate to have two cis friends that I have been able to be open with and talk about my gender identity and my journey (or until recently, my lack of actual journey). One of them has been very busy with work lately so we haven’t managed to catch-up for a while. Today I thought I would email her to let her know what my plans are and what steps I have been taking. 

As I was typing it though, it somehow didn’t feel right. Saying that I had decided this year I was going to transition didn’t have the same feeling of certainty or commitment as it did at the start of the year. Telling her about my switch to female underwear and always sitting to pee just felt a little bit silly. Maybe it is because we haven’t been in touch for a few weeks and I have lost some of the sense of knowing how she will read what I say and respond that it didn’t feel like I was connecting with my own words. 

I’m still doing everything that I started and my feelings haven’t changed. Perhaps it is because I haven’t done anything new or moved forward for a few days now. I have parked the conversation with my wife for a little while because it has been our teenager’s birthday over the weekend and I don’t think anyone wants their birthday memories to be hijacked by it also being the day their dad came out. Not trying to talk to her has taken the pressure off me but it does mean that time is passing and I’m not progressing. 

I have also yet to hear back from the doctor about whether they will be happy to work alongside the gender clinic on my medical transition and I am not able to complete the application to the gender clinic until I have those answers. 

So I’m sort of just stalled where I am for a bit and that is not fulfilling me in the way that doing something new and a small step in the direction each day was helping me feel positive in the first week. 

I think I might find myself feeling this way until I am able to move forward again and whilst I’m feeling like this, doubt is more likely to grow than diminish. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more