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9 January - a little doubt?

So far this year I have been feeling certain that transition is what I want and that I am going to do it this year. In fact I have already started in a small way and I like how I am feeling about it. 

Today though I felt a brief sense of doubt and I don’t know why. I am fortunate to have two cis friends that I have been able to be open with and talk about my gender identity and my journey (or until recently, my lack of actual journey). One of them has been very busy with work lately so we haven’t managed to catch-up for a while. Today I thought I would email her to let her know what my plans are and what steps I have been taking. 

As I was typing it though, it somehow didn’t feel right. Saying that I had decided this year I was going to transition didn’t have the same feeling of certainty or commitment as it did at the start of the year. Telling her about my switch to female underwear and always sitting to pee just felt a little bit silly. Maybe it is because we haven’t been in touch for a few weeks and I have lost some of the sense of knowing how she will read what I say and respond that it didn’t feel like I was connecting with my own words. 

I’m still doing everything that I started and my feelings haven’t changed. Perhaps it is because I haven’t done anything new or moved forward for a few days now. I have parked the conversation with my wife for a little while because it has been our teenager’s birthday over the weekend and I don’t think anyone wants their birthday memories to be hijacked by it also being the day their dad came out. Not trying to talk to her has taken the pressure off me but it does mean that time is passing and I’m not progressing. 

I have also yet to hear back from the doctor about whether they will be happy to work alongside the gender clinic on my medical transition and I am not able to complete the application to the gender clinic until I have those answers. 

So I’m sort of just stalled where I am for a bit and that is not fulfilling me in the way that doing something new and a small step in the direction each day was helping me feel positive in the first week. 

I think I might find myself feeling this way until I am able to move forward again and whilst I’m feeling like this, doubt is more likely to grow than diminish. 

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