16 January - doubts clearing?

I’m still not sure about what I am doing or should be doing but some of the serious negative thoughts that I was having after getting told by the doctor that they would not be willing to provide any support my transition at all have begun to ease. 

There are ways around that problem so it is more of an annoyance than a barrier. 

I have spent a few days going over in my head what I want, why I am wanting to do this, what I hope to gain, what might I lose. Which has been as productive as these self arguments usually are. i.e. not at all. It’s basically the same cycle as the “am I really trans” / “am I trans enough?” self debates but I am just over thinking the same things from a different starting point. 

Looking for an alternative way of being is not dissimilar. If transitioning is too hard, then could I just carry on as I am? Of course but I got to this point because that life doesn’t fulfil me. Trying to imagine a halfway best of both worlds where I get to tell everyone I’m female really without changing my body or presentation to try and be one of the girls and escape expectations of being a man was superficially appealing but it wouldn’t work in reality. 

However hard it may be, the only option that allows me to be who I want to be is full transition. But the only option that allows me to not lose anything, is to stay as I am and do nothing. Except I don’t get access to being the person that I want to be. 

Argh!  Going around in circles and always come back to two paths, each with some positives and serious negatives. There is no risk-free, no loss happy solution. 

Even though I have been pretty much crushed by uncertainty and fear and thoughts of giving up on the whole transition idea for five days now, I have still maintained the small steps that I had begun. 

I don’t want to put on male underwear in the morning when I dress. Every day, I have still put on female knickers because that is what I want and what feels right. 

Neither have I even thought about standing to pee, I just sit every time now without thinking about it, even when I was thinking of abandoning all my plans I didn’t want to break this habit and go back. 

And I think these two things tell me a lot about how I feel and what I really want deep down. I don’t want to stop either of these things and go back to the male way. That feels wrong to me now and the thought of doing so and giving up on me, female me, feels like something that I can’t do now. 

Maybe that’s the answer to my endless self questioning.