14 January - is there a way to be “me” without transitioning?

Having started the year with a feeling of certainty I’m going through a period of strong doubt about whether transition is right for me. 

I have survived for decades pretending to be a man so I know that I am able to do that. I also know that my life will be a lot easier if I do that. 

Except that I don’t feel like a man, don’t relate to other men and nor do I want to. 

I feel like a woman, relate to women and want to be one of the girls. Being physically male means I can only be around the periphery of the female groups, accepted to a point but always “other”.  

Would transitioning give me that? Or would I still always be something “other” and not really one of them because I’m not quite a “real” woman? 

I have been trying to work out if there is any way that I can be Nicola that allows me to feel like I’m being myself and to be open to the world about who I am inside, that isn’t social and physical transition? 

Is there a sort of intermediate position where I come out as gender non-conforming, tell everyone that I am more female than male and explain my feelings, but that I am not changing my body or day to day presentation? 

Could I be an authentic version of myself and keep what I have? 

It looks superficially appealing: a best of both worlds solution avoiding all the downsides of the full version. 

On further examination though I don’t think that is what I would get. 

I would still get all the judgment and gossip and being perceived as “weird” as if I were transitioning. I would be confirming to male groups that I am, as they always suspected, not normal and not one of them. 

But to women, I would still be a man, with all that implies, and just because I say I feel like one of them, doesn’t grant me any right to be seen as one. 

The middle ground safe option might even be the worst of all in achieving ostracism from all sides but no actual benefit to me. 

Which leaves me what options? Stay in the closet and keep living as a man but occasionally have some Nicola time in secret?  Or go the whole way and accept whatever consequences that brings?