Today I had to pee standing like a man, which was the first time this year.
Sorry if that is an overshare! Or if it seems like I’m a bit obsessed with how I use the toilet.
But it is a thing I set out to do forevermore as part of my new life trying to live as a woman and so breaking it is a little bit disappointing.
I did know when I set out that there would be some occasions whilst I was still presenting male that I might have to do it like a man. Pubs and sports grounds are set up for men to go as efficiently as possible with minimal provision for sitting. I tend to have to go to work events for business development at these places so there was always going to come a time when I would have to go and trying to keep my resolution would not be realistic without raising questions.
Today was one of those days, lunch in a pub and I had to do what I had to do.
It felt quite strange having got used to being like a woman in that way, but also familiar, obviously.
I’m not going to beat myself up about this or consider it a failure. I knew it would happen from time to time and actually to get through three weeks before it did was pretty good going.
In other respects I maintained my efforts to be female so far as I am able and the table sort of split into boys and girls, not by design but somehow all the men sat at one end together and all the women at the other. With two exceptions, the female manager who works with me sat with the men. I was with the women. And I know that I was in the right place and enjoyed the conversation, whereas at the other end of the table I would have felt left out of it.
It’s not about what I wear or whether I change my body. That is just who I am, where I fit in and feel comfortable. I just am one of the girls and that’s how I wish I could be perceived. That’s what’s important isn’t it?
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