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4 January - some more steps

Today is my seventh day of wearing female underwear full time and of always sitting to pee. I’ve done a week, yay!  I know that this is a really trivial and mundane thing to be celebrating but actually in day-to-day life it is one of the things that women do differently to men, so it does mean something to me. More than just the symbolism though, I committed to doing this as the way I live now and something I will do for the rest of my life because that is how women live. It therefore does mean something to me to have kept it up for a week already. It actually already has become habitual and feels natural, it doesn’t even occur to me to go standing now. This is me as a woman and I feel good about it. 

A big step: I have contacted my doctor to enquire whether they are able to work alongside a private gender clinic to provide blood tests and prescriptions for the hormones. It was only an online form, but this was the first time I have formally contacted them, or indeed anyone, to say I am starting a transition process. It therefore feels like a really big deal and I felt quite apprehensive typing it, and I did hesitate before clicking submit. But I did it, and that information is now disclosed to them. Once I get their reply, which I guess might require a call or meeting, then I’ll have all the information needed to complete the application for the gender clinic and from there, could be getting my first hormone prescription within a few weeks  My hope was to start at the end of January so that might be possible.

However, I have once again found myself unable to say the words to my wife.  This is increasingly problematic as I could now be outed by either the doctor ‘phoning or a delivery of lingerie arriving at home in the next two days  By procrastinating I am absolutely making it harder for myself and making things worse  I think my fear is of upsetting her  She (I presume) thinks our lives are fine, that her husband is a man, and the person she thinks he is  To tell her otherwise is to pull the rug from under her belief of what her life is, and to cast doubt over the validity of our whole relationship and history together.  I can only see my revelation being a cause of great upset.  I find it less painful to sacrifice myself and take on the upset of not making progress, than I do the idea of upsetting someone else to enable me to move forward, which feels selfish and wrong.  I know that it is my body and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do whatever I want to it, but somehow I feel, because our lives are connected, that I do need her permission.  This is what is holding me back. 


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