I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time. The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.
Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.
Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.
Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.
The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so need to change at the mall. There is a unisex disabled toilet just inside the main entrance so that serves as a changing room but I feel bad using it for too long as I’m not disabled so it feels like misuse of a facility that someone might actually need. To save time I do my makeup in the car, but that is visible (windows!) and a woman parking nearby definitely noticed me applying foundation this time and gave me a strange look. Applying makeup in the car also means entering the mall wearing makeup but male clothes, so that feels incongruous.
Then there is the question of shoes. I don’t want to have to carry male shoes around with me, so it makes sense to change these in the car too. But that then also means walking across the car park and into the mall in male clothing and women’s shoes. They’re flat ballerina pumps, so not like high heels or anything, but they are obviously for women and on one visit, someone did notice them and gave me a strange look.
This time, there were only a few people between me and the place I was going to change and no one noticed my shoes. Also fortunately, the toilet was not occupied so I could get straight in.
It does feel weird changing in a space not really intended for that, even with a locked door it feels vulnerable. Trousers and shirt were swapped for tights, skirt, bra and bodysuit. Then I put on the wig, which I was nervous about because I’ve never worn it in public before and I think it is obviously a wig and so might make me more clockable rather than less. Also, it gets really tangled and is hard to brush out, so it wasn’t as tidy as it could be. And it gets in my face and it’s hot and it’s annoying. Having my own longer hair was annoying too, but now that has been cut, it has to be the wig, however annoying it may be.
I listened until it sounded as if there was no one nearby and opened the door. Then walked out into the main concourse. I am always really self conscious at first, my posture might give me away, my walk is too masculine, the wig looks unnatural, I’m too tall, my face is too male…. Nobody pays me any attention.
I have noticed this before when out presenting female. Most people just don’t see me. I think provided there are enough visual clues that are consistent, then that is all people see and they don’t look at details. Long hair, chest (not real in my case), skirt and legs are enough for most to see me as a woman at first glance. The details that I find dysphoric, most people don’t even look for.
It takes me very little time to just relax into walking around being a woman. I’m still careful not to get too close to people and avoid people who look like they might be anti if they clocked me, but mostly I can just walk around the shops like any other person.
My first plan was to get a little handbag. None of my skirts or dresses have pockets! Outrageous. I have always had to wear a coat or top with pockets to carry my keys and phone which hides what I’m trying to look like, as I don’t have anything feminine like that, so it spoils my look. I had noticed a nice little cross body phone sized bag in a shop that just does accessories when my wife was shopping for something else, so I made my way there, which was most of the way to the other end of the mall so a bit of time visible in the main concourse. I found what I was looking for and went to pay. At this point I become self conscious of my male voice, and that this is a direct interaction with someone, so the assistant will see that I am a man wearing a wig. To her credit, she gave no hint that she could see through my appearance and treated me like a normal woman. She asked for an email address for the receipt, which requires more speaking for me, but I just went ahead and gave her my Nicola email which felt good.
So I now have my first ever handbag!
I then went to a clothing shop to look for skirts or dresses but nothing caught my eye. The skirt and bodysuit I wore had both come from there previously.
Then on to another shop which I had browsed the website of so had a good idea of what they had. I found a lovely soft top with a neckline that I find really feminises my appearance. They had it in both cream and pale pink. I would probably have gone for the cream but my size was sold out, so it had to be the pink. I bought this and that was it. I had run out of time and needed to go.
Changing back is quicker than getting dressed in the first place, and I kept the tights on under my trousers.
Whenever I go out presenting female, I feel all sorts of feelings.
Nervous about how others might react to me, scared of how bad that could be. Although the worst that has ever happened so far are stares, a few overheard comments and laughing. No actual abuse. Although I remain alert and try not to stand out, the nerves do ease quickly and I relax once I am out.
Do I feel euphoric to be out as who I really am? A bit. Sometimes I see my reflection or take a selfie and I feel feminine and see a woman. But I also sometimes see myself and feel dysphoric because I see masculinity or reasons I don’t pass. On balance probably a bit more to the dysphoric side, but there are definitely some moments of joy.
Mostly I just feel like myself though. I’m walking around wearing a skirt or a dress but I just feel like me and I’m not conscious of being a woman or being a man presenting as a woman, I’m just myself and don’t feel any different. Which I guess makes sense because I am me. Nicola isn’t a different person, I’m just me.
One thing I have noticed before, is that I feel far more relaxed shopping for female clothing when I am dressed female. As a man browsing dresses or bras, I feel like I stand out and people notice and judge me. As a woman doing the same, I feel normal and I don’t think anyone notices me at all because I’m not incongruous in the environment. In that sense, being dressed as a woman is really freeing and I love that.
Later in the evening, I tried on the new top with the skirt and wig and took a few selfies. These turned out great and I feel I look genuinely feminine in them. I see a woman. Oddly, I don’t even see my male face in them, which is strange as it is obviously my face, but the framing of the wig changes the outline and shape to the point that I see a woman’s face. And that is lovely. 🥰
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