Skip to main content

1 January - no real progress

I have sort of got over the disappointment of not talking to my wife last night, or at least the initial pain has passed. 

I tried again today and I think I have worked out how to open the conversation now, but there never seemed to be quite the right time. So I am no further forward, but at least I am not feeling like crying when I go to be tonight. 

The opening that I am planning is to say that the new year makes me think about what I want for the coming year and that my life is passing by. Then to say that I have known since I was 11 that I should have been a girl. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as being trans until I saw a documentary about a trans sexual (as they were known in the eighties) when I was 16. I knew then that was what I was and what I wanted for myself but it seemed impossible and like something I could never actually do, so I repressed my feelings. But now, it feels like it is possible and my life is passing and I haven’t done the biggest thing that I have always wanted. 

I don’t know where the conversation will go after that, but it’s a good place to start, it’s honest and it invites discussion. 

In other news, I have shaved all of my legs now which feels amazing, and also painted my toenails again. Small things but they are helping me to feel more feminine by making my body look more as I see it in my imagination by removing the male cues. 

Today has also been day four of wearing female underwear full time, and of sitting to pee every time, which is already beginning to feel like it’s normal for me now. 

It feels like I’m beginning my future life as a woman already, but I do still have to take the big scary step of talking with my wife. 

Actually having just written that, it has struck me that it really does feel like I have begun something. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5 May 25 - living a lie

I’m wearing a soft crop top and Brazilian knickers under my male clothes today and it’s the first time   I’ve done so since my wife found out about my underwear.   I did wear some knickers last weekend for a day, which was nice but this is the first time I have had the crop top too.  Considering that I was wearing the underwear full time and the crop tops every weekday evening and all weekends for the previous month, this has been a big gap.  I have really been craving the feeling of a bra or crop top. That stretchy tightness of the band around my chest and the straps over my shoulders. It is such a relief to have one on now.  Because I’m a bit scared about getting caught out again I have only worn the soft crop top as that is least visible under my clothes. The more structured crop top has bra straps which are a bit more noticeable so although I really want to wear that, it felt a bit too risky.  This is so rubbish that I have to hide who I really am ...
Post a Comment
Read more

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

4 Mar 25 - first time out at a queer bar

I can’t believe I’m doing this but I have left the hotel in a dress and full makeup and walked half an hour through central London to Soho and my first ever queer bar, She Soho, a lesbian bar and man-free zone. Unfortunately no mobile reception to share with friends. Have logged on to the wifi but that doesn’t work. Ok, so how do I feel? Lonely!  There are two groups of friends and a couple.  The chat is pretty loud and I’m sitting by myself which is a bit tragic.  But, the point is, I am out in public as openly dressed and made up as I have ever been. That on its own is awesome!  I have never done this before! To be fair to myself, if I was in a normal bar and dressed as a man, I wouldn’t be talking to anyone either, so maybe that is not something I should be stressing about. Why would I imagine that being in a dress is suddenly going to make me capable of socialising and speaking with strangers?   The music is pretty cool. The beer isn’t that good, and really ...
Post a Comment
Read more