There is some cliché motivational quote that I see on Pinterest quite often that goes something like "everything you want is on the other side of what you fear". Or words to that effect.
I don't know whether this is true or not, but I do feel that I am at that sort of point in my life.
If everything that I want is to be Nicola, live as a woman, and all that entails, then all of that lives on the other side of coming out to my wife, which is of course, the thing that I fear.
Why do I still use "if" when talking about transition?
Am I still doubtful about whether it is what I want? Whether it's possible? Am I really trans?
Would facing the fear be easier if I could be 100% confident in these things?
The easy one: is it possible? Yes, loads of people transition. I have done my research and I know how to do it.
Am I really trans? Seriously, am I asking myself this again? And again? OK, based on my long-standing feelings and all that, I think I am. Comparing myself to other trans people’s stories that I have seen online, again, I seem to be pretty typical. And I have received messages from a few people who read this (thank you to anyone who does by the way) to say how I have expressed things that closely match their feelings, or that they have had very similar experiences and thoughts. There are many indications that I am a trans woman. So I can accept that as settled then.
I am trans and it is possible for me to transition.
Is it what I want?
This is a more difficult question because it is so hard to separate the desired result from the process and the potential risks and losses as a result.
If it were risk free, immediate and I would not lose anything, then it is easy, of course I would transition without hesitation. Which is the answer to the question, is it what I want.
Except it isn’t any of those things. It takes years and a lot of effort and pain. There is risk. It may ruin my marriage, family, friendships, career, everything.
What adds to the difficulty is that all of it is uncertain. I have no way of knowing whether I will be happier living as a woman or how much happier. I don’t know what, if anything, I will lose, nor how much. If I did, then I could weigh it up and decide whether it is worth sacrificing X and Y to get Z benefit or not. There’s probably a gender chromosome pun that I should be making here but it’s late and I’m tired and can’t think of it right now.
To face the fear of talking to my wife, and irreversibly disclosing my secret, I need to have confidence in my own decision that I am going to transition and that I am willing to risk the unknown potential costs for the unknowable future benefit.
That isn’t a question of confidence or rationalising a decision at all, it’s a complete leap of faith.
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