Skip to main content

25 January - I need to find confidence

There is some cliché motivational quote that I see on Pinterest quite often that goes something like "everything you want is on the other side of what you fear".  Or words to that effect.  

I don't know whether this is true or not, but I do feel that I am at that sort of point in my life.  

If everything that I want is to be Nicola, live as a woman, and all that entails, then all of that lives on the other side of coming out to my wife, which is of course, the thing that I fear.  

Why do I still use "if" when talking about transition?  

Am I still doubtful about whether it is what I want?  Whether it's possible?  Am I really trans?

Would facing the fear be easier if I could be 100% confident in these things?  

The easy one: is it possible?  Yes, loads of people transition. I have done my research and I know how to do it.  

Am I really trans?  Seriously, am I asking myself this again? And again?  OK, based on my long-standing feelings and all that, I think I am.  Comparing myself to other trans people’s stories that I have seen online, again, I seem to be pretty typical.   And I have received messages from a few people who read this (thank you to anyone who does by the way) to say how I have expressed things that closely match their feelings, or that they have had very similar experiences and thoughts.  There are many indications that I am a trans woman.  So I can accept that as settled then.

I am trans and it is possible for me to transition. 

Is it what I want?

This is a more difficult question because it is so hard to separate the desired result from the process and the potential risks and losses as a result. 

If it were risk free, immediate and I would not lose anything, then it is easy, of course I would transition without hesitation.  Which is the answer to the question, is it what I want. 

Except it isn’t any of those things.  It takes years and a lot of effort and pain. There is risk. It may ruin my marriage, family, friendships, career, everything.  

What adds to the difficulty is that all of it is uncertain.  I have no way of knowing whether I will be happier living as a woman or how much happier.  I don’t know what, if anything, I will lose, nor how much.  If I did, then I could weigh it up and decide whether it is worth sacrificing X and Y to get Z benefit or not.  There’s probably a gender chromosome pun that I should be making here but it’s late and I’m tired and can’t think of it right now.  

To face the fear of talking to my wife, and irreversibly disclosing my secret, I need to have confidence in my own decision that I am going to transition and that I am willing to risk the unknown potential costs for the unknowable future benefit.  

That isn’t a question of confidence or rationalising a decision at all, it’s a complete leap of faith.  



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more