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30 January - here I go again around that negative cycle, sigh.

Office day today, so back to normal, in most senses I suppose, after the imagined drama of nothing happening yesterday.  

My head is certainly doing its normal thing: I've had a small disappointment, therefore the whole trans idea is nonsense, I'm kidding myself, I'm just a man and always will be, blah blah blah.  Every single time I even think of doing anything and then pull back from taking the leap, do I go back around this never ending cycle of doubt and negative thinking.  I even know I'm doing it and that it isn't real, but still spend the whole day telling myself bad things.  So now I am frustrated at myself for doing this yet again.  

Even someone commented on my Twitter from yesterday's blog that it doesn't get better by leaving it longer and I replied that I knew that the outcome would be the same today, tomorrow, next week, next year, ten years hence.  Which rationally I know is the case, so there is no point in putting it off because it isn't ever going to be any different.  Even more frustrating though is that I already knew this.  I wrote a blog post saying exactly that in September 2021, and I was right, nothing had changed by September 2022 and now it is the end of January 2023 and still nothing has changed and still I haven't done anything.  

I know the answers.  I know what I need to do.  I keep stopping myself from doing it and then hating myself for my weakness.  Everything is totally my own fault.  

To be slightly less downbeat, I started using a women's deodorant today, to try to smell more feminine and less masculine.  I smell like a girl, but it's a little weird, because I smell like a specific girl, although I can't place who.  Someone I know must use the same product, because as soon as I put it on, it smelled familiar.  

Another slightly strange feeling today too.  Yesterday I wore one of my crop tops all day under my clothes.  This was perhaps a little risky in terms of discovery if my wife saw the shape under my shirt, but it was quite a thick rugby shirt so I figured I could get away with it.  It's a really comfortable item and apart from the more strongly elasticated band around the bottom that holds it in place on the chest, I don't really feel that I'm wearing the rest of it.  I kept it on when I went to bed and slept in it, so I think I wore it for about 21 hours.  It's all part of the experience of learning to be a woman and if I ever do manage to start transition, this will be something I will need to be doing every day, before moving on to real bras.  The strange feeling though, is that I haven't been wearing it today, it being an office day and going to work in a white shirt, but despite that, I can still feel like I have the band around my chest and sides.  I don't think 'phantom bra' is a thing? But nevertheless, I have had that sensation all day.  


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