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11 January - thinking about the journey

The doctors haven’t called me today so nothing has progressed. 

I’m feeling kind of ambivalent about this to be honest. Nothing happening and still being stuck is frustrating but also, I am scared of having that call. Partly, because someone I don’t know is going to be asking me about the single biggest thing in my world and I am going to have to open up to them and I expect they will be judging me. But also, when I have that conversation, the plans that only exist in my head get real. I will be setting real things in motion that will change my life. 

I have been thinking a lot about this today. 

Transitioning feels like a journey from here to womanhood. I have been hanging around the station for a long time but when I made contact with the doctors surgery, I got on the train. When I have that call, the train is going to leave the station. 

There are many stops along the way and I know that I have the option to get off at any of them. I don’t have to complete the journey. 

But it is a one way trip. Once I start, I can never go back to the station I began from. I can stop treatment or even detransition but there is no going back to who I left. I can’t un-come out (go back in?). Once I start talking to the doctor, it will appear on my medical record. Once I tell my wife, she can’t ever unknow that about me. If I go to the office wearing a dress, I can go back to being male, but people are going to remember that sort of thing. 

This is why it feels so daunting to start, because even though I can get off at any time, I can never get back. 

This is a one way ticket. 

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