Maiden’s Journey

Just been for a run which I think was overdue. I’ve missed the past couple of weeks due to the weather (excuse) and laziness (truth).  This week I have been feeling negativity creeping into my head and that is usually a sign that I need to do something for my mental wellbeing. A bit of a run generally does the job.  I’ve definitely been overdoing the coffee lately too, which does not help. Exercise is a healthier alternative.  Another reason to exercise is my body shape. I have a little tummy and I don’t like it. Moreover, I want to be able to wear cropped tops and show a little peek of my navel which is oh so feminine and attractive, but only if you have a perfect flat tummy. Given that I’m nearly fifty, this should probably not be a transition goal and I should dress my age, but it is and it is something that I want to feel comfortable to wear. 

The thing that I am most looking forward to about transitioning is to finally know what it feels like to develop breasts. That is where my whole wish to be a girl began when I was eleven and I got male puberty and the girls got something wonderful and amazing and beautiful.  Experiencing this for myself is the thing that I have always longed for.  I know what the first stage feels like as I experienced gynacomaestia during puberty where a breast bud formed on my left side. It was a firm disc under my nipple that was sensitive and quite painful. I did go to the doctor about it and was assured that it was just hormonal and to do with puberty and it would go away, which it did.  If I start taking feminising hormones for transition, I will experience that again, on both sides this time, and they won’t go away, they will continue to form.  From what I have read, this is the breast bud, which begins with the formation of these discs beneath the nipple that raises the nippl...

Ouch! My second time waxing my chest hair and it doesn’t get any less painful. It’s weirdly nice to stick the strips on and smooth them down, but it’s the tearing them off that has to follow which is less good. And the first one is a shock, but the rest, I know what they’re going to feel like and so it’s harder to make myself do it. I missed some bits and didn’t do my whole body, so I’m going to have to go again and take more pain. And I haven’t even started on my legs yet. Having a smooth chest is nice though, even if it’s currently a bit sore. Hairy boobs are not a good look and it is quite dysphoric to have chest hair.  I’m waxing it now as I have the opportunity to go out en femme in a couple of weeks and I want to wear a top that shows some of my chest, but from the last try at waxing, it gave me a rash that took a week to clear so need a bit of lead time

I had lunch today with my peer mentor and one of the things we spoke about was resilience and where it comes from.  I know that I am very resilient but I have no idea how or why.  We could both talk about how we maintain it through sleep and diet and exercise and reflection but that is just maintenance, not the source.  I could probably add journalling to the list of activities as I do find benefit in this.  Maybe I could also add being trans. Having this whole secret dimension to who I am and having to challenge myself to do scary things must surely help to build my inner strength.  The other major factor in that is that I have to do it all alone.  I have no support or help, so the strength can only come from me. Not just in a trans context either. Because I am different and don’t fit in with any particular group, I feel as an outsider everywhere so have no support in anything. That sounds bad, but I think it’s good for self-reliance and inner strength to ...

Today I have been to a meeting in Birmingham. It has such a different feel to London. When I am in my home town, I feel safe and unexpectedly I also feel safe walking around London. Not in Birmingham though, it feels threatening to be outside in the town centre, like you could be mugged at any moment.   Also in London, there is a lot of diversity and flamboyant dressing doesn’t attract any attention. In Birmingham it feels like it would get you attacked!  I could imagine walking around London in a dress but today, no way.  This does give me pause for thought. If I transition, then I will be a trans woman everywhere. Not just places I feel safe, or where it is diverse and accepting, but all the time, everywhere. That probably means some places will become unsafe for me to go to. Am I prepared to have restrictions on my life like that? 

I’ve been listening in the car to a podcast called Straight Wife Trans Life. My friend Dee (another closeted married trans woman) recommended.  The podcast is presented by the wife of a trans woman who came out to her after they had been married for thirteen years, she having previously had no idea that her husband was trans.  Series 1 tells the story of their first year from disclosure on New Year’s Eve through coming out to family, friends, their kid, and beginning transition.   Liese (the presenter) is really honest. She was not ok with the news and admits she reacted badly. Eventually she decided that they would stay together as married friends, but she is very clear that she is straight and isn’t going to change for her spouse. She uses the term spouse, as she doesn’t accept that she has a wife, and in referring to their marriage, she talks of her husband, as that was what she had at the time.  She is upset when her spouse claims to have always been a woman, bec...

Now the weather is colder I’m able to wear a crop top under my clothes as well as weekend knickers. It’s nice and I feel feminine having both on  My new knickers that I got this week are really pretty, pink and cream with floral designs and a little bow at the centre of the front. I do love a bit of girliness. I don’t know if this is just me, or if cis women feel this too, but I feel different if I am wearing white or cream underwear versus wearing black. This makes little sense as they’re hidden from view, but I am aware of a different feeling.  Bit difficult to ask cis women I know whether they feel the same, as it’s an odd question to ask and somewhat beyond the boundaries of most friendships.  I had a reply from the gender clinic to my question about bringing my wife to the appointments. They said that they encourage bringing a supportive other, but for some parts of the session may ask them to step out. I think it would be really helpful for my wife to come and hear ...

Chatting on WhatsApp with a female friend we were talking about Bridgerton and whether she was enjoying it.  She said, l Yes! Made me want to prance around in posh dresses all day”. To which I replied “Me too!” Which she gave a ❤️ reaction to.  I do really want to tell her that I am trans.  We are having lunch together in a couple of weeks.  There is an element of risk, in that she is very close to other people in my office, but I think she can be trusted, and I’ll have to come out at work at some point so not the end of the world if someone did find out.  I assume she will be supportive and super lovely, because that’s the kind of person she is.  

I had a brief opportunity to go out en femme at the Mall as I had a meeting nearby for work.  Unfortunately due to traffic, there was not as much time as I had hoped for and once I had changed, I only had about twenty minutes out as a woman. Also, I discovered that although the place opens at 9, many of the shops don’t open until later.  I had been planning to visit New Look for some more bodysuits and H&M for some tops and to see what skirts they had, but both were still closed. Weirdly Ann Summers was open, because that’s the sort of thing that you need to be able to buy early in the day? Marks and Spencer were open so that was where I headed.  The usual toilet that I use to change (a disabled gender neutral space that is out of the way and no one seems to go near) was still being cleaned so I had to go to the main toilets in the centre of the Mall. That is fine, but it is quite a big place and walking there and back to M&S wasted a few minutes of my already sho...

The gender clinic emailed this week. I wasn’t expecting to see their name in my inbox so it was a surprise. The email itself wasn’t exciting, it was just to say that they have changed the pre-appointment questionnaires and will send new links closer to the date.  I did reply to ask whether they think it is a good idea to invite my wife or not, but only got an automated out of office response so far. Mind you, that depends on whether she is willing to come in the first place. Which in turn depends on me telling her about the appointment. Our son is now back at university, but the very first weekend feels like rushing into it with her. Nevertheless, I do have to do this, as the clock is ticking now.  The return of cooler weather means thicker tops and so I was able to wear both a crop top and knickers under my clothes this weekend.  Wearing a “full set” of female underwear does bring me extra comfort. Keeping it on all day does really normalise it for me too, I’m aware of t...

I got misgendered! Whilst walking home from the supermarket, dressed fully male and making no effort at all to appear female.  I have not started transitioning in any way, except for growing my hair out.  Although that seems to have been enough.  Coming towards me were a grandmother and her little granddaughter.  The little girl was trying to walk a chihuahua on lead and wasn’t looking where she was going. The woman said to her “be careful and don’t get in the way of that lady…sorry gentleman”.  She was embarrassed by the mistake.  I was delighted! It does go to show how little it takes to pass to a stranger in the street. Long hair is all that is needed, she saw that and read me as woman before registering any of my other features.   This is hopeful. Passing is one of my fears should I ever socially transition, and if I can pass at a distance already then I may have a chance if I can add other female cues to my appearance. 

Another week and nothing much has happened as regards to my gender and having been busy with work again, my thinking capacity available to think about it has been reduced.  I wonder whether it getting pushed to the back of my mind when I have other stuff to focus on means it’s less real. Is it just something I day dream about when idle?  I have, thanks to Dee for the recommendation, been listening to a great podcast called Straight Wife Trans Life. It’s by the wife of a trans woman and she talks about the first year after her then husband came out to her. She is really calm and considered in her delivery and is supportive of her spouse and the trans community. I think it would be a good idea to introduce this to my wife at some point to give her a possible future vision where spouses can make it work, from the cis wife’s perspective.  I suppose it has done that for me too, shown me that there is a way through that could work out for both of us. This matters because one of...

Taking holiday allowed me to get out of constant thinking about work and has brought my gender back into focus. So, has going back to work and all that intensity pushed it back out again?  No, thankfully. I am still feeling more feminine than I was and it is in my mind a lot.  We went to the football yesterday which was good, although our team lost, which was less so. It was the team from the city I work in and think of as home, against the team from my actual home town where I grew up. My affinity definitely lies with my adopted home. Funnily enough, I had never actually seen the other team play before, despite growing up there.  Could I imagine going into that environment as a trans woman though? Football stadia are pretty masculine places and although there are women and kids, it is majority male, and a certain type of man too, blokey blokes. Likelihood of accepting trans women, probably low. I can live without football, so not the end of the world, but these are...

Not a great weekend, with my wife giving some clear signals of non-support. I went for a run this morning, first time in a couple of months and did better than expected. I put my hair in a ponytail and she doesn’t like that. Seeing my hair tied back she asked (insistently) if I was going to get it cut.  Also, watching a tv show that featured a drag queen, she opined that drag ought to be banned as it caricatures women and is morally equivalent therefore to actors ‘blacking up’.  I won’t dismiss that, as it is an interesting take and I can see the argument there.  However, I think the subtext here is really that she does not want me to even consider transitioning and so is making some slightly tenuous but related points.  

A beach is informative as a gender questioning person. Obviously I wish I could be there in a swimsuit or bikini and not being able to gives me pangs of envy. It’s difficult to envisage me looking female enough to be able to walk along the beach in a bikini though. I’m likely to only ever manage tiny breasts and I have no waist or hips and am too old for hormones to alter my skeleton so that body shape is fixed. I might be able to disguise this in clothing but there’s no hiding what I am in swimwear.   I do get the argument that passing shouldn’t matter and I do acknowledge that I am a trans woman not a cis woman and that is a different thing. I am fine with that and I am actually proud to be trans and probably would always describe myself as a trans woman not a woman. But in my head, my imaginary self is a cis teenage girl that I never got to be and that is my idealisation of myself even though it is wholly unrealistic. I worry that starting out with a wholly unrealistic and impos...

Our first trip to the theatre since before covid and long overdue as we both love theatre. There’s something magical about the willing suspension of disbelief to accept that people you can see moving set and operating puppets aren’t there.  I love theatre, but not nearly as much as my wife loves theatre. She is so totally absorbed in the moment and magic of it all, it is joyous to see.   There was a trans person in the theatre three rows in front. Maybe non binary. They were male and mostly dressed male apart from strappy block heel sandals and painted toenails. They were sixty ish and had a long grey ponytail.  With a woman, presumably partner who I guess was ok with this. I’ve been quite shocked by my feelings about this.  As a fellow member of the gender non-conforming community I ought to be supportive but I was more embarrassed. Maybe I was worried about how my wife would perceive him, as a freak who looked ridiculous probably.  From which I then leap to he...

There is definitely an ebb and flow with my feelings about gender.  I’ve been experiencing quite a long ebb, for reasons unknown, but probably mainly distraction of other things.  The tide has now turned and I’m having much stronger feelings that I need to express my femininity.  Just wearing the underwear at weekends is helpful in connecting with my feelings and sleeping in the crop top adds to this as a sort of subtle comfortable awareness of my body.   I have been thinking more about physical changes too and these thoughts have…ahem…moved downwards. I have always felt that I should have breasts and I have a fairly strong picture of what that might be like for me. My sense of what it might feel like to have different genitalia has been more fuzzy as I have no basis to relate to nor any concept of what the sensations could be. I have been thinking more about this lately, and maybe just from having done more research, I have a bit more of an imaginary picture of myse...

I don’t know what has changed but I am gradually beginning to feel a bit more trans again.  Part of the issue has probably been that my new role at work is so engrossing that I have not been able to devote so much thought to who I am myself. Related to this, it feels impossible to do both a leadership role in a challenging environment and transition at the same time.   Meeting with my peer mentor this week has helped as her direct approach of just telling me like it is does help to give me confidence and that in turn enables me to feel anything is possible.   Then I have been having other external conversations about options for the firm, some of which result in handling over responsibilities to someone else. There is a part of me that selfishly sees that as a way of making it easier for me to transition.  That’s not the right way of looking at it and I do feel guilty for this, but maybe the little flutter of hope that I feel tells me something about my need to be ab...