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23 Oct 24 - wishing I had breasts

The thing that I am most looking forward to about transitioning is to finally know what it feels like to develop breasts. That is where my whole wish to be a girl began when I was eleven and I got male puberty and the girls got something wonderful and amazing and beautiful. 

Experiencing this for myself is the thing that I have always longed for. 

I know what the first stage feels like as I experienced gynacomaestia during puberty where a breast bud formed on my left side. It was a firm disc under my nipple that was sensitive and quite painful. I did go to the doctor about it and was assured that it was just hormonal and to do with puberty and it would go away, which it did. 

If I start taking feminising hormones for transition, I will experience that again, on both sides this time, and they won’t go away, they will continue to form. 

From what I have read, this is the breast bud, which begins with the formation of these discs beneath the nipple that raises the nipple proud of the surrounding chest area and the areola also enlarges in diameter and darkens. I assume all of this happens the same in transition as for a natural female puberty, but maybe it will be less effective, I don’t know. I wonder at what point I will need to start wearing underwear for this. I know the nipples will be sensitive and get sore, so protecting them from rubbing on clothes will be necessary at some point. Once they become raised and quite pronounced, I’ll need to hide them too, particularly if I’m still trying to pass as male at work. I think a vest or crop top hidden under a shirt might suffice for a while but there might come a point when a first bra would be better for protection and support but harder to conceal. 

The next stage, which I can’t relate to, is the formation of the structure of the breast and milk ducts. It’s mad to think that with additional hormones I could have the potential to lactate. It’s not that I will and I am never going to experience breastfeeding, but as a trans woman coming from a male body, it’s a miraculous thing that it is even possible. 

Through the growth of these structures and fat distribution from the oestrogen, the round shape of the breast will develop. I have no idea how much breast I will be able to develop starting this late in life. I have read studies which show that average trans women’s breast development is limited to AAA or AA cup, which is very small. However trans women I have seen on social media appear to have more than that and many report B cup breasts. I don’t really mind I suppose provided I have some shape, and the beautiful softness of cis women’s breasts. I wonder how that feels. What the weight of your own breasts feel like on your chest. How it feels to cup and support them in a bra. How they move and bounce and what that feels like. 

I do long to experience all of these feelings. 

One thing I do worry about though is whether they will hurt. I have this idea that they will feel nice but my wife says hers have always been tender and uncomfortable her whole adult life. I don’t want that. 

There is of course the risk of breast cancer which is not something I currently worry about for me, but I know a few too many women who have had it now for it not to be a concern. Although I guess I would be safeguarding against testicular and prostate cancer by having hormones and surgery, so maybe on average my risk profile is neutral. 

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