19 Aug 24 - anti-trans signals from my wife

Not a great weekend, with my wife giving some clear signals of non-support.

I went for a run this morning, first time in a couple of months and did better than expected. I put my hair in a ponytail and she doesn’t like that. Seeing my hair tied back she asked (insistently) if I was going to get it cut.

Also, watching a tv show that featured a drag queen, she opined that drag ought to be banned as it caricatures women and is morally equivalent therefore to actors ‘blacking up’. I won’t dismiss that, as it is an interesting take and I can see the argument there.

However, I think the subtext here is really that she does not want me to even consider transitioning and so is making some slightly tenuous but related points.

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23 Sep 24 - great podcast: Straight Wife Trans Life

I’ve been listening in the car to a podcast called Straight Wife Trans Life. My friend Dee (another closeted married trans woman) recommended. The podcast is presented by the wife of a trans woman who came out to her after they had been married for thirteen years, she having previously had no idea that her husband was trans. Series 1 tells the story of their first year from disclosure on New Year’s Eve through coming out to family, friends, their kid, and beginning transition. Liese (the presenter) is really honest. She was not ok with the news and admits she reacted badly. Eventually she decided that they would stay together as married friends, but she is very clear that she is straight and isn’t going to change for her spouse. She uses the term spouse, as she doesn’t accept that she has a wife, and in referring to their marriage, she talks of her husband, as that was what she had at the time. She is upset when her spouse claims to have always been a woman, bec...

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed. I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead. 2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower. I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening. And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part. That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story. I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement. I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...

10 Oct 24 - resilience

I had lunch today with my peer mentor and one of the things we spoke about was resilience and where it comes from. I know that I am very resilient but I have no idea how or why. We could both talk about how we maintain it through sleep and diet and exercise and reflection but that is just maintenance, not the source. I could probably add journalling to the list of activities as I do find benefit in this. Maybe I could also add being trans. Having this whole secret dimension to who I am and having to challenge myself to do scary things must surely help to build my inner strength. The other major factor in that is that I have to do it all alone. I have no support or help, so the strength can only come from me. Not just in a trans context either. Because I am different and don’t fit in with any particular group, I feel as an outsider everywhere so have no support in anything. That sounds bad, but I think it’s good for self-reliance and inner strength to ...

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