Maiden’s Journey

I suppose the question now is what do I do next? I have done the biggest scariest thing that was holding me back from doing anything about transitioning: I have told my wife that I am trans and that I wish to transition.   What do I do now though?  She was devastated by the news so I didn’t push any further at the time and now things have settled down but it feels like raising the subject again or taking any next step is reopening the wound and hurting her again.   It feels like any little thing is going to be just as bad as the original coming out for her. Is that how it is going to be? Will every single step be so painful that either I am afraid to take it and go nowhere, or she eventually breaks and that is the end of us?  I have done the big coming out conversation but that hasn’t unlocked anything. But I need to unlock it because I need to progress to transition.  I’m sitting outside in the sun with a coffee and I wish I was doing so wearing a dress. ...

The dust seems to have settled after my dramatic coming out on Sunday and life has resumed a mostly normal pattern.  She has not mentioned anything about it since Sunday and I have not brought the subject up either as I think giving her a little time to think and not overwhelming her with new information will help. Work has been sufficiently distracting for both of us anyway.  I am suddenly more conscious of how much trans gender is referenced in tv shows though as whenever it is I can see her react.   We like to watch Neighbours (guilty pleasure!) and that has a trans character (played by trans actress and inspiration Georgie Stone). Last night I noticed my wife look away from the tv during her scenes. Until this week, I think she had largely forgotten that her character is trans and accepted her as a woman.   I think therefore that the next conversation when it comes will be just as hard as the first.    

Ok, so this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but recognising that I am not going to have the courage to say what I have to say unless I have no choice, I have put on a padded bra, a bodysuit and ladies’ skinny jeans.   Also a bit more makeup and have really feminised my hair.   I can’t not tell my wife when she comes downstairs now as it is obvious that I am wearing women’s clothing. I am so nervous my hands are shaking.  … Half an hour later and she hasn’t come down yet. …. She came down and I stayed seated and with a male jumper over my bodysuit. She didn’t notice anything different about me.  I brushed her hair out and then plaited it, badly. This was nice bonding time. I played with her hair and stroked it and it was really good togetherness which I then sort of ruined.  Plaiting her hair I made a joke about having an inner girly girl.   I eventually then managed to say that although I joke about my inner girl, the truth is I actually hav...

I am so weak and cowardly that I’m annoying myself now   Friday and Saturday both passed with nothing said, even though there were a couple of openings in conversation that could have been used.  I have taken some small risks but she doesn’t notice at. Wearing a dressing gown on a weekend morning before I shower reveals my shaven legs. Never noticed. I can wear a crop top under male tops with impunity and I have found that with a jumper over, a lightly padded bra also goes unnoticed.  Female deodorant likewise. Even subtle makeup is seemingly invisible.  I wonder how far I would have to go for her to start to ask questions.   One thing that is clear is that I could easily start hormones and begin physical changes without telling her and I could get away with that for a long time. It feels disrespectful to not discuss with her what I’m doing though, but if I persist in failing to say what I need to say, then I have it as an option I suppose.   Maybe the ...

Easter passed and despite taking extra time off work to be together, I couldn’t make myself say the words that I am trans or that I wish I could live as a woman or that I want to transition.   And another weekend has passed too. It’s now mid-April. I checked the website of the private gender clinic and they are fully booked until September so most of the year will have gone again before anything could actually happen. Maybe if I could find the courage to start I could be on hormones by my fiftieth birthday at the end of the year but two years ago, I was hoping to be having surgery by then and fully transitioned, not just beginning.  Looked at in that way, I have lost those two years and am still no closer to beginning, never mind completing, transition.  Is it all negative though?  I have definitely become more confident in my own feelings about my gender and what I want to do. I’m over the whole “am I trans enough” phase and certain about who and what I am and wh...

As it is a long weekend, and I have a couple of days off after, if ever there was a good time to talk to my wife about how I feel about my gender and that I want to transition, this weekend is it.   However I have already let two days pass.  She was going out Friday evening with friends so telling her before that may have been problematic.   Today her mother is coming for lunch so don’t want to create upset and an atmosphere in the house before that, and then will speak to mine in the afternoon so that is a barrier too.  After that though there are no more reasons to hold off and it is by coincidence trans day of visibility, not that that matters at all.  I know for certain that I want to transition and live as a woman so I need to do this but I am still fearful of starting.  Now it is Monday and I am continuing to fail to find my courage and this is getting me down.  We had a moment this morning when I was brushing her hair and we were quite affe...

Another bad week, they seem never ending and I know next week will be bad too. And the one after that.   It’s hard to remain optimistic and believe that good things will happen when work is so relentlessly miserable and I don’t have anything else in my life to compensate.   At least our son has come to visit this weekend although he has been mostly either asleep or out with friends to be honest.  We did watch F1 together though and walked the dog, who seems to have found a new lease of life with his best friend here. Maybe living with us is so boring even the dog has lost the will .   I did have a bit of a realisation today though that this is not my first miserable March. Last year, I began with a plan to transition and it started well until I got to doing anything that involved coming out and being open. I had been wearing female underwear every day for nearly three months and always sat to pee to feel like a woman and I had kept that up except for a handful of t...

It has been another stressful and pretty unhappy week at work and that is starting to wear me down. Lately I spend every Saturday struggling with a headache and needing an afternoon nap and that was the case yesterday.   Problem is, that with all that going on, I can’t see how to make anything else better.   It isn’t as though I have lots of positive things to fall back on either. I have basically no life and get no support from anyone and have nothing to look forward to.   I’ve been watching a few romantic dramas on tv lately and they’ve been really good but the longing to have touch and intimacy is painful, as of course is the longing to be the girl.  So it is odd that the opportunity to go to the Mall and shop en femme on Friday didn’t feel like something I wanted to do.  I think maybe my lack of hopefulness means I don’t have anything to override the fear of it going badly so the fear wins. It also feels a bit pointless. I’ve done it before so there’s no ...

The ladies on Discord messaged to see if I was still around so I replied to explain my absence due to work being so busy, and that I had made no progress at all. Seems some of them are similarly stuck as they have been for a long time, others have moved forward a bit. It was nice to hear from them and that they cared to ask after me, but all in all, I think I have benefited from being outside of the online trans community for a while and not absorbing everyone else’s experiences and opinions all the time.  That I still feel the same without outside influence is reaffirming of who I really am.  Plus, constantly listening to other people talking about barriers to transitioning just reinforces my own fears so I am better to limit my exposure to that kind of conversation.  With having my mother to visit for the weekend, I didn’t risk any kind of dressing, even at night so have not had any opportunity to feel feminine for over a week and I do feel the lack of that. ...

  Another week passed and still no progress. Definitely nothing can happen this weekend as my wife’s mum is coming for lunch, not next week either as mine is coming.  So before I know it, it will be the end of March and a quarter of the year gone with no progress.  I’m reading The Midnight Library this weekend which is about a woman who is miserable in her life full of regrets.  It’s a lovely book actually.  What do I take from it though?  There’s a quote about how you should confidently follow your dreams.  Does that mean I should pursue my gender identity? The general idea of the book though is that you should not regret the past, nor despair the present because there remain infinite possibilities in the future depending on the choices you make now and going forward.   Does that mean that a happy life as Nicola is possible? Or that a happy life as Mark is possible? Or either or neither? Or anything?

My plan to go shopping en femme at The Mall didn’t work out as the work meetings went on so long I had to come straight back.   I was wearing knickers and tights under my trousers all day ready, but didn’t get to need them and it just made my legs hot.  Even getting my clothes out to the car in the morning had been difficult as my wife was awake, which is almost never the case when I go out early. So I probably could have guessed that the plan was doomed to fail from the start. Maybe the whole idea is doomed to failure seeing as I never make any progress towards it. 

I  have a plan shaping up for this week.   On Thursday I have to drive to Bristol for a work meeting.  I will take some clothes with me and stop at the Mall for some shopping and real life experience again.  I will need some more tops if I am going to start presenting as female so that is an excuse for shopping. I would quite like another skirt and maybe a dress but that is not really necessary at this stage. It’s also important to do this en femme as I want to have some more real life experience to talk about when I go for the assessment appointment with the gender clinic.  It feels good to write ‘when’ rather than ‘if’.  I wonder if there is something I can do to push myself a little further out of my comfort zone.  I have done trying on clothes. Maybe using the ladies loo could be a challenge to try, but that seems a bit risky with potential for confrontation if someone objects. Go to a coffee shop and at least I have to talk to the staff to orde...

On the face of it, another weekend when my courage failed me and another week wasted.   I am not without hope however.   I have learned the things that make it hard to have a conversation, such as tv or phone distractions.  I also can’t embark on a conversation like this shortly before we are due to speak with family so that rules out certain times.  Before or during food isn’t appropriate as she may be upset or angry and not eat. Basically the only possible time I can do this is a weekend morning shortly after my wife gets up.   I also have a possible opener as my mum noticed my long and shaped finger nails on a video call and commented on them. I don’t know if my wife has ever noticed or not but she has never said anything.  I can use this as my opener, by asking what she thinks of me having quite girly nails, and quite girly hair.  From there, I can start to explain that things that feel feminine make me happy and things that feel masculine do not...

So here I am again, it’s the weekend and the most appropriate opportunity to be talking to my wife about my feelings about my gender.   Will I manage to say anything? This remains to be seen.  Usual supermarket shop done and nothing discussed yet.  I have a feeling this could be another failed weekend. We went out for lunch at her suggestion. Intended to go for a snack but ordered full meals. No need to cook dinner I suppose.  It was a nice time and good to do something for us.  I still didn’t say anything about gender, so another day lost. I know that viewing it as failure is not constructive but it is hard not to do so when the only thing preventing me from speaking is me and my own fears. 

Another stressful day of work. Sigh.   I need to think about whether I want to continue with a board role on top of my day job commitments as it is a struggle to do either properly.   There is of course the other huge potential obstacle to this, of how I can be in a senior position and transition.  I mean, it would help the diversity of the board and address the gender imbalance but I doubt the others would see the funny side of that. I have been looking on Pinterest for hairstyle inspiration on the assumption that I am brave enough to talk to my wife and then brave enough to tell the stylist what I really want and why.  Nothing I have seen though seems like it would suit me or that I could make work with my useless fine hair, and slightly high hairline.  I suppose having a full head of hair at my age is a major blessing compared to some trans women but it does still feel like one of my weak links when it comes to passing.   So the weekend is approachin...

I read an article on Pinterest about a number of trans people talking about transitioning. Although they all described challenges, pain, and effects on the lives they had, they were unanimously positive that becoming their true gender was a wonderful thing that made their lives better.  Having read so much negativity online it is really helpful and inspiring to see that there are positive outcomes too.  Pretty terrible day at work. Next week I have to go to a follow up meeting at a place in Bristol, which will be another horrible day, but my main thought was that I will be able to go to the Mall and go out en femme on the way back.  That’s where my head is at. I need to find opportunities to spend time out visible as a trans woman to get used to it. Real life experience and all that.

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...