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17 Mar 2024 - difficulties are wearing me down and I’m losing hope that I can ever transition

It has been another stressful and pretty unhappy week at work and that is starting to wear me down. Lately I spend every Saturday struggling with a headache and needing an afternoon nap and that was the case yesterday.  Problem is, that with all that going on, I can’t see how to make anything else better. 

It isn’t as though I have lots of positive things to fall back on either. I have basically no life and get no support from anyone and have nothing to look forward to.  

I’ve been watching a few romantic dramas on tv lately and they’ve been really good but the longing to have touch and intimacy is painful, as of course is the longing to be the girl. 

So it is odd that the opportunity to go to the Mall and shop en femme on Friday didn’t feel like something I wanted to do.  I think maybe my lack of hopefulness means I don’t have anything to override the fear of it going badly so the fear wins. It also feels a bit pointless. I’ve done it before so there’s no new experience to be had. Why buy clothes I will never get to wear if I can’t transition, it’s just a waste.  

I now seem to be in a difficult place where I don’t see how I can be Nicola, but I don’t see any happiness in Mark’s life either. I suppose I could take that as telling me there is nothing to lose from trying because if I am going to be miserable whatever, then might as well take the chance because even if I do lose everything that Mark has, I am already unhappy with that so losing it is maybe even a good thing or at least not something to be so fearful of.

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