Skip to main content

17 Mar 2024 - difficulties are wearing me down and I’m losing hope that I can ever transition

It has been another stressful and pretty unhappy week at work and that is starting to wear me down. Lately I spend every Saturday struggling with a headache and needing an afternoon nap and that was the case yesterday.  Problem is, that with all that going on, I can’t see how to make anything else better. 

It isn’t as though I have lots of positive things to fall back on either. I have basically no life and get no support from anyone and have nothing to look forward to.  

I’ve been watching a few romantic dramas on tv lately and they’ve been really good but the longing to have touch and intimacy is painful, as of course is the longing to be the girl. 

So it is odd that the opportunity to go to the Mall and shop en femme on Friday didn’t feel like something I wanted to do.  I think maybe my lack of hopefulness means I don’t have anything to override the fear of it going badly so the fear wins. It also feels a bit pointless. I’ve done it before so there’s no new experience to be had. Why buy clothes I will never get to wear if I can’t transition, it’s just a waste.  

I now seem to be in a difficult place where I don’t see how I can be Nicola, but I don’t see any happiness in Mark’s life either. I suppose I could take that as telling me there is nothing to lose from trying because if I am going to be miserable whatever, then might as well take the chance because even if I do lose everything that Mark has, I am already unhappy with that so losing it is maybe even a good thing or at least not something to be so fearful of.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 24 - great podcast: Straight Wife Trans Life

I’ve been listening in the car to a podcast called Straight Wife Trans Life. My friend Dee (another closeted married trans woman) recommended.  The podcast is presented by the wife of a trans woman who came out to her after they had been married for thirteen years, she having previously had no idea that her husband was trans.  Series 1 tells the story of their first year from disclosure on New Year’s Eve through coming out to family, friends, their kid, and beginning transition.   Liese (the presenter) is really honest. She was not ok with the news and admits she reacted badly. Eventually she decided that they would stay together as married friends, but she is very clear that she is straight and isn’t going to change for her spouse. She uses the term spouse, as she doesn’t accept that she has a wife, and in referring to their marriage, she talks of her husband, as that was what she had at the time.  She is upset when her spouse claims to have always been a woman, bec...
3 comments
Read more

9 Feb 2025 - another week of ups and downs

Another week of ups and downs.  I did go out in a skirt, which was nice but just going around shops dressed female is something I have done quite a few times now and I don’t think I gain much from it in terms of real life experience.  Nothing new anyway.  Since I got the new first crop tops on Wednesday I have been wearing them at home every evening when I change after work and all weekend. Maybe the size 12 is a little tight and I should have got the 14, but it stays where it should and doesn’t ride up like my other less structured crop tops when I raise my arms or do something active.  Yesterday I had enough time to do a quick white wash of a couple of tops, a vest, the short nightdress and a few pairs of knickers. I even managed to iron the top and nightdress today, before my wife got up.  Having dinner last night, I was a bit hot, it being a curry, so I took my jumper off. I’m a bit nervous wearing just one layer over the crop top as you can see the outline ...
Post a Comment
Read more

10 Oct 24 - resilience

I had lunch today with my peer mentor and one of the things we spoke about was resilience and where it comes from.  I know that I am very resilient but I have no idea how or why.  We could both talk about how we maintain it through sleep and diet and exercise and reflection but that is just maintenance, not the source.  I could probably add journalling to the list of activities as I do find benefit in this.  Maybe I could also add being trans. Having this whole secret dimension to who I am and having to challenge myself to do scary things must surely help to build my inner strength.  The other major factor in that is that I have to do it all alone.  I have no support or help, so the strength can only come from me. Not just in a trans context either. Because I am different and don’t fit in with any particular group, I feel as an outsider everywhere so have no support in anything. That sounds bad, but I think it’s good for self-reliance and inner strength to ...
1 comment
Read more