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14 Apr 24 - I finally come out to my wife

Ok, so this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but recognising that I am not going to have the courage to say what I have to say unless I have no choice, I have put on a padded bra, a bodysuit and ladies’ skinny jeans.  Also a bit more makeup and have really feminised my hair. 

I can’t not tell my wife when she comes downstairs now as it is obvious that I am wearing women’s clothing.

I am so nervous my hands are shaking. 

…

Half an hour later and she hasn’t come down yet.

….

She came down and I stayed seated and with a male jumper over my bodysuit. She didn’t notice anything different about me. 

I brushed her hair out and then plaited it, badly. This was nice bonding time. I played with her hair and stroked it and it was really good togetherness which I then sort of ruined. 

Plaiting her hair I made a joke about having an inner girly girl.  

I eventually then managed to say that although I joke about my inner girl, the truth is I actually have always wished I was a girl.  

That was the bombshell. The coming out moment. The irrevocable revelation.  

Her reaction initially was I think disbelief and then to question what that means.  

I clarified that I had felt I should be a girl from around the age of eleven but had always repressed it, although inside that is who I am. 

She asked me if I wished I had changed sex when I was younger.  I said that I would not want to have missed out on our marriage and child, and certainly don’t regret that but obviously a part of me wishes I had been a young woman.  

She asked if I want to change now. I said that it is far too early in our conversation to talk about anything like that and we have so much to discuss before we can begin to address something so huge, but being honest, in my heart, yes I do. 

She became very upset at that and said our marriage was clearly over, I evidently did not want to be with her, she didn’t want to be married to a woman, I had lied to her, lived a lie, married under false pretences, and similar accusations.  I rebutted all of those statements and reassured her that none of our history was a lie, nothing had changed, as I had always been this person throughout, and everything I had done had been real, there was just this one thing that she didn’t know about me.  She quite fairly pointed out that as omitted details go, it is quite a big detail.  I had to concede that is true. 

Upset and anger resurfaced throughout the day but I managed to calm her down each time. 

At one point she hugged me and said she was sorry I had had to live a lie all my life. That was kind.

We are obviously a very long way from anything being okay but we are still together and still talking so there is hope.  

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