Skip to main content

11 Mar 2024 - reconnecting with the trans community online

The ladies on Discord messaged to see if I was still around so I replied to explain my absence due to work being so busy, and that I had made no progress at all. Seems some of them are similarly stuck as they have been for a long time, others have moved forward a bit. It was nice to hear from them and that they cared to ask after me, but all in all, I think I have benefited from being outside of the online trans community for a while and not absorbing everyone else’s experiences and opinions all the time.  That I still feel the same without outside influence is reaffirming of who I really am.  Plus, constantly listening to other people talking about barriers to transitioning just reinforces my own fears so I am better to limit my exposure to that kind of conversation. 

With having my mother to visit for the weekend, I didn’t risk any kind of dressing, even at night so have not had any opportunity to feel feminine for over a week and I do feel the lack of that.  On the plus side though, my hair is looking really quite girly sometimes and I love that feeling.  

Somehow it is mid March already and I have done nothing.  I would like to act soon, but with the dog being unwell and possibly end of life, my wife is too emotional already so I don’t think me coming out to her would help matters.  It would take her mind off the dog I guess, but not in a good way. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...