Skip to main content

24 Mar 2024 - is a “miserable March” a pattern for me?

Another bad week, they seem never ending and I know next week will be bad too. And the one after that.  It’s hard to remain optimistic and believe that good things will happen when work is so relentlessly miserable and I don’t have anything else in my life to compensate.  

At least our son has come to visit this weekend although he has been mostly either asleep or out with friends to be honest.  We did watch F1 together though and walked the dog, who seems to have found a new lease of life with his best friend here. Maybe living with us is so boring even the dog has lost the will. 

I did have a bit of a realisation today though that this is not my first miserable March. Last year, I began with a plan to transition and it started well until I got to doing anything that involved coming out and being open. I had been wearing female underwear every day for nearly three months and always sat to pee to feel like a woman and I had kept that up except for a handful of times when it just wasn’t practical although it had become so habitual that it had become automatic to go as a woman.  The bit I never managed was to talk to my wife, and without that, nothing could progress beyond my secret knickers. And so by this time last year, even that had begun to feel pointless and performative rather than real so I gave it up and went back to male pants. Truth be told, that is more comfortable when you have male parts to fit in, but the female underwear feels so much more comforting and even though not designed for my body feels so right.  So I guess there is a pattern, that I begin the year with a plan and some hope but by this time in the year, my hope is exhausted and I give up and then everything feels pointless because I don’t want my male life as it is either.  

But herein lies the paradox: I can’t make the leap to come out and be who I want to be because I am paralysed by the fear of losing everything in my life.  And yet I am so unhappy with my life that I long to escape it, so why do I sacrifice what I want and who I am to protect something I don’t even want and to be seen as someone I am not?

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more