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24 Mar 2024 - is a “miserable March” a pattern for me?

Another bad week, they seem never ending and I know next week will be bad too. And the one after that.  It’s hard to remain optimistic and believe that good things will happen when work is so relentlessly miserable and I don’t have anything else in my life to compensate.  

At least our son has come to visit this weekend although he has been mostly either asleep or out with friends to be honest.  We did watch F1 together though and walked the dog, who seems to have found a new lease of life with his best friend here. Maybe living with us is so boring even the dog has lost the will. 

I did have a bit of a realisation today though that this is not my first miserable March. Last year, I began with a plan to transition and it started well until I got to doing anything that involved coming out and being open. I had been wearing female underwear every day for nearly three months and always sat to pee to feel like a woman and I had kept that up except for a handful of times when it just wasn’t practical although it had become so habitual that it had become automatic to go as a woman.  The bit I never managed was to talk to my wife, and without that, nothing could progress beyond my secret knickers. And so by this time last year, even that had begun to feel pointless and performative rather than real so I gave it up and went back to male pants. Truth be told, that is more comfortable when you have male parts to fit in, but the female underwear feels so much more comforting and even though not designed for my body feels so right.  So I guess there is a pattern, that I begin the year with a plan and some hope but by this time in the year, my hope is exhausted and I give up and then everything feels pointless because I don’t want my male life as it is either.  

But herein lies the paradox: I can’t make the leap to come out and be who I want to be because I am paralysed by the fear of losing everything in my life.  And yet I am so unhappy with my life that I long to escape it, so why do I sacrifice what I want and who I am to protect something I don’t even want and to be seen as someone I am not?

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