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14 Apr 2024 - frustrated at my own weakness and inability to come out

I am so weak and cowardly that I’m annoying myself now 

Friday and Saturday both passed with nothing said, even though there were a couple of openings in conversation that could have been used. 

I have taken some small risks but she doesn’t notice at. Wearing a dressing gown on a weekend morning before I shower reveals my shaven legs. Never noticed. I can wear a crop top under male tops with impunity and I have found that with a jumper over, a lightly padded bra also goes unnoticed.  Female deodorant likewise. Even subtle makeup is seemingly invisible.  I wonder how far I would have to go for her to start to ask questions.  

One thing that is clear is that I could easily start hormones and begin physical changes without telling her and I could get away with that for a long time. It feels disrespectful to not discuss with her what I’m doing though, but if I persist in failing to say what I need to say, then I have it as an option I suppose.  

Maybe the answer isn’t to sit here berating myself for my weakness and dreaming up ways of avoiding what I need to do. It is also definitely not to talk about it with the discord group and seek their sympathy, that doesn’t help at all. Maybe what I should do is to try to plan what to say.  

Truth is though, that there is no perfect form of words that is going to make it alright. Her reaction will be more or less the same regardless. It isn’t like saying it one way will cause rage, one will cause upset but the perfect phrasing will lead to immediate acceptance.  So there is not much point in trying to find the magic words. It is just finding a way to say what I need to say.  

So what is it that I need to communicate?

I wish I was a woman. 

I wish I could be a woman. 

I wish I could change my life and live as a woman. 

I’m transgender and want to transition to live as a woman. 

I wish I was a woman, I always have, ever since I was about eleven. I have repressed it all my life, but the truth is, I am transgender and always have been.

Definitely not four. Maybe five.

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