Easter passed and despite taking extra time off work to be together, I couldn’t make myself say the words that I am trans or that I wish I could live as a woman or that I want to transition.
And another weekend has passed too. It’s now mid-April. I checked the website of the private gender clinic and they are fully booked until September so most of the year will have gone again before anything could actually happen. Maybe if I could find the courage to start I could be on hormones by my fiftieth birthday at the end of the year but two years ago, I was hoping to be having surgery by then and fully transitioned, not just beginning. Looked at in that way, I have lost those two years and am still no closer to beginning, never mind completing, transition.
Is it all negative though?
I have definitely become more confident in my own feelings about my gender and what I want to do. I’m over the whole “am I trans enough” phase and certain about who and what I am and what I need to do. So that is progress.
What is it that is holding me back then?
It really is consideration for my wife’s feelings and not wanting to upset her and make her unhappy or cause her more stress and anxiety which she struggles with. It is fear of her reaction, but not a fear of hostility and any impact on me, more a fear of the impact on her.
I keep reading and hearing that I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness or reactions and should not sacrifice my needs to protect others as I only have one life and I am letting it slip by. But whilst that is all true, I am a kind person and I don’t want to be the cause of unhappiness and responsible for that.
I think that I know that she is not really happy anyway and that the status quo is a bit of an illusion. Also that it would not actually affect her or our relationship very much as my being male plays no part in it other than appearances. The impact of me transitioning on her would really be fear of it affecting my career and financial security, and probably embarrassment at having a ‘tranny’ freak “husband” and not wanting to be seen with me as a man in a dress. I guess I can understand that.
I have thought about forcing myself to have the conversation by dressing female and facing the consequences. Wearing a dress or a skirt is unambiguous but kind of a 0-60 launch that allows no time for adjustment. However, easing into it with female jeans (which is why I bought them) risks her comparing me to a local cross dresser who is known for going out to the pubs en femme and that is part of his normal look. It would be wrong for me to look down on him (I think male pronouns are ok as he doesn’t seem to be trying to be a woman) as wearing women’s clothing is a valid lifestyle choice and me going to the Mall in a dress is not “more valid” just because I view it as a trial run for transition rather than a hobby, I am still literally cross-dressing when I do that. Although I suppose I could argue that because I am a woman, it isn’t cross dressing at all.
It feels like a crazy idea, and I’m sure is the wrong way to come out, but coming down in a dress does seem to be the only way to make it happen.
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