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20 Apr 24 - I came out to my wife, now what?

I suppose the question now is what do I do next? I have done the biggest scariest thing that was holding me back from doing anything about transitioning: I have told my wife that I am trans and that I wish to transition. 

What do I do now though? 

She was devastated by the news so I didn’t push any further at the time and now things have settled down but it feels like raising the subject again or taking any next step is reopening the wound and hurting her again.  

It feels like any little thing is going to be just as bad as the original coming out for her. Is that how it is going to be? Will every single step be so painful that either I am afraid to take it and go nowhere, or she eventually breaks and that is the end of us? 

I have done the big coming out conversation but that hasn’t unlocked anything.

But I need to unlock it because I need to progress to transition. 

I’m sitting outside in the sun with a coffee and I wish I was doing so wearing a dress. I could just change and put on the white skater dress which would be lovely but I know that seeing me like that would be too much for her to deal with right now. 

If not now though, when? 

How do I ever move forward if anything I do or say would be seen as so devastating? 

Can I tell her my story?

Or what I hope for the future?

Can I suggest that I begin with female underwear that no one else will know about?  I am wearing female knickers anyway but she doesn’t know that. 

Could I experiment with some feminine clothing around the house sometimes to see how she feels about it?

Or would anything at all be too much for her to bear?

I actually feel just as in the closet now as I did before I came out, perhaps even more so as I have seen her reaction, it is no longer an unknown. But if I don’t do anything then I caused her pain for nothing. 

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