Maiden’s Journey

My first time out en femme  There has to be a first time for everything and this one has been a long time coming.  I have been wearing female clothing in private all my life, but have always been too afraid to go out. Fear of ridicule. Of being seen by someone who knows me and my terrible secret becoming public. You know, usual stuff.  But if I am going to progress on my trans journey, then being able to be seen in public as a woman is a necessary part of it.  So, courage! And I did it!  For my maiden voyage (do you see what I did there?) I chose a clingy knee-length dress and black tights (pantyhose) and as a venue: a shopping mall a long way from home.  Practicalities: getting changed I had traveled in male clothes so needed to change. This was going to be the scariest part. I would have to change in the gents' toilets and then come out of the cubicle dressed as a woman. How would anyone in there react?  But I figured I would have got a worse recepti...

How do I feel when I dress up as a woman? Honestly, it varies depending on how I am feeling in myself.  At the moment it mostly feels hot, but that’s because it is a warm evening and I am wearing layers of shapewear because I’m wearing a pencil skirt and need to get a flat front. The wig is hot too.  Not really answering the question.  This time, I just feel natural and normal. I’ve never actually been out en femme but with the shapewear, padded bra and wig, I feel I could. And I feel pretty good about how I look.  Some times, it’s not so good and I feel ridiculous or ugly or masculine or all three.  Feeling as I do now, I could go on with my day just being myself and quite believe that wearing a skirt is normal, that I do have long hair and that the cups of my bra aren’t empty. It is only when I need the loo that I have to face reality. I can sit down and pretend I’m going like a girl does but the truth is there.  Physical sensations  ...

I’m envious of cisgender women but not how you might expect I suppose that’s kind of obvious really. As a MTF trans woman (if indeed that’s what I am), I don’t have a female body but “real” i.e. cis women do. So it figures that I will feel envy or jealousy for that.  What is strange is that it is the little things that trigger feelings, more so than the obvious physical differences.  For example, women in the office who are wearing skirts or dresses have a range of subtle hand movements that they probably aren’t even aware of.  A little flick or smooth to the front of the skirt or dress when they stand up so that it hangs right; the smoothing down the bottom of the skirt or dress before sitting down, so it doesn’t crumple under them and is comfy to sit on. Just really trivial everyday things that cis women do out of habit but which I don’t get to do, because I am presenting as a man. The other one is adjusting their shoulder straps on their bras. Many of the ...

I’m certainly not feeling the 2nd January. Ugh. Set alarm, up in darkness and commute to work. Shock to the system and no mistake. But the other thing I’m not feeling is especially girly. You might imagine trans people (if that’s what I am) go around all day every day thinking about dresses and “wouldn’t boobies be lovely” and “I’m a lady don’t you know”, but that’s not how it is. For me anyway. Some days I just don’t feel it. I go around being a normal man, and don’t think anything of it. Maybe I’m just suffering the effects of an early alarm clock. I had even slept in a lovely pair of satin and lace knickers, really pretty. Usually I  would wake up, feel he difference and get a nice girly “glow” but not today. And they’re my prettiest pair as well. Strange. Perhaps I need more beauty sleep. Nx

So I was wondering what new year’s resolutions I should be making. Should 2020 be the year that I act on my gender questioning and take some positive steps to do something about it. Whatever that may be. Or maybe, 2020 should be time to put the whole trans question behind me, and get on with being who I was born as. I can’t really decide either way, one minute I know one way is right and the next I’m certain that it is wrong and I must do the opposite. Instead of being decisive I shall try to at least further my understanding of myself by keeping a journal of how I feel. This is day one of 365. Or it might be a leap year actually, so maybe 366? Based on past experience of trying to keep a diary, I will be doing well to get to day three, but we shall see.

I’ve always longed for a more feminine figure and a nice waistline. Shapewear is fine to a point but for real definition I realised I would have to try a corset. But I don’t know where to start with corsets so have dipped my toe in the water with a latex waist trainer. What is a latex waist trainer? It’s a kind of stretchy corset with hook and eye fastening down the front. Waist trainer  It looks nice, really high quality. The only negative is that it feels a bit rubbery although that’s only on the outside, it is soft cotton on the side that touches your skin. The “before” picture  Ok, what are we starting with? Well, natural waist is about 34” and my tummy is a bit lumpy Oh dear, that is not a very flattering picture is it! Let’s get this waist trainer on and see what difference it makes.... Waist trainer on, first row of hooks Well, that was easier said than done! I’m in, how does it feel? Not quite as I expected, but in a good way. It feels ...

So why am I going to sleep wearing my bra? Actually, it’s not so much about the going to sleep wearing it, it is more about the waking up. Which is why I choose a padded bra for overnight. Dreams come true? It is my greatest dream to be a girl.  Imagine if I could go to bed as a man, make a wish, and wake up as a woman.  Just thinking about that makes me smile.  So what does that have to do with sleeping in a padded bra? It’s that moment when you are just waking up and are not fully awake. Just for a moment, it is like my dream has come true. I’m aware of the shape, maybe my arm brushes the padded cups when I turn over and it’s as if I have woken up with breasts. Open my eyes and look down and there they are. Except then I wake up properly and they aren’t. The cups are empty and because they’re very padded with a gel filling, there’s no sense of touch through them either and I very quickly remember I’m not an actual girl and it was just a dream. On the ...

I’ve been dreaming of being a girl and secretly cross dressing for so many years, I take it for granted, but it had a beginning. The cliche idea of a trans person is of the little boy who wanted to play with dolls and dress up, but that wasn’t me. I had a pretty conventional ‘boy’ childhood. I assumed I was a bit and would grow up and do boy things, and marry a girl and carry on being normal. However, around puberty arriving I guess I started to think differently. We had the “special lessons” to learn about the differences between our bodies and what was going to change. I was fascinated by what I learned about girls and their bodies. I wondered what a bra would feel like, what a period is like, how does it feel to wear a sanitary towel?  Sounds like silly things for a boy to wonder, but it captured my imagination. I used to try to imagine the feelings and in my head, all my fantasies were of being a girl or being turned into a girl. I had a weird fantasy of being locked into an...

As I may have mentioned in a post or two, for me, wearing a bra is a major part of defining the female side of myself. What type of bra best shapes me? Shopping as a male it has largely been guess work, until I was brave enough to go for a bra fitting, so I have a range of styles, some more successful than others. So, I thought I would compare and contrast a few. First, for comparison, without bra: Balcony bra gives me a feminine shape As a natural male, I obviously don’t have any actual breasts, as you can see. Even so, this dress (from Next) is still moderately flattering. Starting with unpadded styles, I have a Debenhams balcony type from the Gorgeous range Debenhams Gorgeous Balcony Bra  It’s a size 32D Whig is far too tight on the chest band, and too large a cup. But, the tight band and underwire does give me some shape: Hopefully you can see some shape there. The shaping also alters how my “breasts” feel and it really does mould a shape that feels real to...

My bra and my gender identity  To me, as a “new maiden” (boy who dreams of being a girl), wearing a bra means a lot. More so than any other garments or things I do, it is the bra that makes me feel like a girl. It was the first type of lingerie I ever tried on. My mother’s of course. Then later my own. I’ve had all sorts of styles over the years, padded and not, wired and not, full cup, balcony, sports, long line. I’ve tried a lot! Why? To me, their something special because they are something girls have and boys don’t. They’re secret but also not: there is an outline of the bra visible through a top, a glimpse of a shoulder strap. And imagining how it feels to be her. They’re a rite of passage for girls. The first bra a sign of growing into a woman. A journey and experience I dream of but have no experience of. How does it feel to put on a bra So what does it mean to me to put on a bra? It’s a kind of ritual of becoming “me” for a while. The first stage of the ritu...