Being Nicola in public for the first time

My first time out en femme 

There has to be a first time for everything and this one has been a long time coming. 

I have been wearing female clothing in private all my life, but have always been too afraid to go out. Fear of ridicule. Of being seen by someone who knows me and my terrible secret becoming public. You know, usual stuff. 

But if I am going to progress on my trans journey, then being able to be seen in public as a woman is a necessary part of it. 

So, courage!

And I did it! 

For my maiden voyage (do you see what I did there?) I chose a clingy knee-length dress and black tights (pantyhose) and as a venue: a shopping mall a long way from home. 

Practicalities: getting changed

I had traveled in male clothes so needed to change. This was going to be the scariest part. I would have to change in the gents' toilets and then come out of the cubicle dressed as a woman. How would anyone in there react?  But I figured I would have got a worse reception going into the ladies' toilets as a man to change. 

My dress is fitted and stretchy so I wore two pairs of control tights to ensure I had a flat front and no inappropriate crotch bulge.  

I have a great padded bra that gives me the appearance of C-cup breasts, so that helps give me a female shape. 

I toyed with the idea of a jumper (it was November) but decided to let the dress be fully on show. If I was going to step out as a girl, then I wasn’t going to hide myself behind anything at all. 

The hardest part was leaving the sanctuary of the cubicle and I had to wait until it sounded like the room was empty.  As it turned out, there was a cleaner emptying a bin, who did give me a slightly quizzical look, but this could have been a lot worse, and it certainly had been in my imaginings of how this could go wrong. 

Then out I strode and (after washing hands obviously) out into the mall. 

En femme and visible to all

The loos where I had changed are next to the dining area of the Mall, so I came out (as it were) into probably the most crowded area of the whole place, with many people milling around.  And here I was, for all the world to see, wearing a dress, showing my legs, with my padded pretend boobs.  

Nowhere to hide now.  

I don’t know what I expected exactly. Probably people staring, or nudging their companions and laughing. 

In reality? Nobody noticed me or paid any attention at all. 

No laughing, or pointing.  No unpleasant remarks. Nothing.  

I was taking a landmark step on my trans journey and no-one else noticed!

So, nothing to worry about as it turned out and I could relax and go shopping. 

Trying to pass as female

There is more to looking female than a padded bra and a pretty dress, so I needed to concentrate on my movement.  Men take long strides with their legs apart and I was aware that stomping along like that would give me away.  Women walk differently, shorter strides, and placing one foot in front of the other, like walking along a line.  Walking in this way is more feminine and delicate and gives a bit of hip sway.  Having walked a male way all my life, it takes concentration to focus on small steps and trying to be a bit more dainty.  Fortunately, having something to focus my mind on also helped to stop me worrying about possible bad things that might happen and stay calm.  

I have a plum coloured ribbed bodysuit that I bought last year and I have been wanting a short skirt to go with it.  I was looking for something maybe grey check, or tweed and A-line as the top is tight, so the skirt needs to give shape.  

I had expected to feel self-conscious shopping in a dress but I actually felt less conspicuous in shops, browsing skirts and dresses than I would if I were dressed as a male. 

In fact, I was able to enjoy the experience and comfortably look around and choose something I liked.  

I settled on a mid-grey A-line mini skirt with a kind of tweedy fabric.  

The queue to pay was long and slow-moving, which was a worry.  Until now, I had been moving around the shopping centre and so nobody would see me for very long as I passed by.  Standing in a queue, people would be able to observe me for a prolonged period. 

I made an effort to stand as femininely as I could.  I remember from my school days, girls always stood differently to the boys. Boys stand planted on both feet.  Girls for reasons I cannot imagine, always stood with their weight on one straight leg, with the other leg bent at the knee and the foot slightly turned out.  Why?  I have no idea.  But, it was something for me to focus on to quell the fear of discovery.  

I made it to the front of the queue without being outed and ridiculed, but then my one slight failure.  The assistant offered to email the receipt and I slightly panicked and asked for the printed one.  I have an email address as Nicola, but in the moment, I forgot that.  Also, I haven't practised my voice, so was uncomfortable with too much speaking.  Walking around dressed as a woman was one achievement, sure, but when it came to my one opportunity to interact with someone and present myself as female, I didn't quite manage it.  Still, something for next time.  

I survived my first time out en femme, suffered no negative consequences and enjoyed being me.  

If I ever go through the transition journey, that would be me all the time.  

Could I deal with that? 

On the strength of my first attempt, I think I could.