Maiden’s Journey

Having an overnight in London I was looking for a different way to experience being out as a woman other than going back to the lesbian bar or to a shop. I found a classical music event and thought this might be a good place. Obviously safer than a night out in Soho. An arty crowd is probably more LGBT-accepting than the average, although may also be older and possibly not so trans-accepting.  I figured the cheap seats would be music students and the expensive seats the wealthy middle aged, so was probably best to sit near the back. My assumption was correct.  It started quite early, so getting food and getting ready after work was a rush. I didn’t get time to paint my nails and I decided to go without the wig because of the time it would take to brush it out. Not sure if this was a good or bad decision. The long hair does really change my appearance and at a distance reads femme, but close up it is obviously fake.  I wasn’t passing, but then it isn’t really necessary to....

Here I am again and I recognise the symptoms now.   I felt some gender euphoria over the weekend when tucking gave me the illusion of having a female body for a couple of days.  This gave me hope, and clarity and certainty that this is right for me. I need a female body for me, myself and nobody else.  Now back to “normal” mode and I feel hopeless. I have the opportunity to go out presenting female next week. Except now dysphoria strikes and I can’t see the point. Why take the risk when I can never transition for real? Don’t do it.  There is a noticeable pattern in my brain where euphoria is followed by a dysphoria crash.  I am interested in why this happens, because it feels counterintuitive. My assumption is that if gender euphoria is a high, then the brain would crave more of it and push me towards the behaviours that bring euphoria, but instead, it seems to want to avoid repeating them.  An explanation offered by asking AI is that there are a numb...