Maiden’s Journey

Although I suspect it is a lost cause, I do want to try to persuade my wife that I can transition without it necessarily meaning the end of our relationship.  I was thinking about this as I was walking along the beach yesterday. I suppose my plan is to do things gradually and hope that each little step can receive acceptance, albeit reluctantly, and that she will get used to it and eventually realise that it isn’t that bad and doesn’t adversely affect her. But that doesn’t feel quite right to me because that implies that everything I will do in my transition is a negative thing that has to be carefully introduced and at best tolerated. I know I’m an overly optimistic person, but it shouldn’t feel like everything is negative. Transitioning is amazing, it is literally changing the gender of your body and that’s incredible. It’s a massive adventure into the unknown and new experiences and changes and it would be wonderful to be part of that and share it with someone. I don’t for a min...

First, and most obviously, transition and become a woman 😊🙎🏻‍♀️ Starting with the easy things, I shall pee sitting down (unless really difficult to e.g. an iffy pub toilet) for ever now. For ever ever. I am a woman.  I shall wear female underwear every day now, and again, this is for ever.  Just writing those things brings joy to my heart. Unexpectedly so maybe. I shall sit on the loo for the rest of my life ! I shall only wear female underwear for the rest of my life ! Saying anything is “for the rest of my life” does sound scary, but when it is something that relates to becoming myself as a woman, as Nicola, it feels right and exciting.  I shall remove my body hair consistently. I don’t ever want hair on my chest or torso again. I shall shave my legs too.  I would like to lose weight before starting hormones to be able to start with a flat tummy and a slender waist. I know that my skeleton is fixed at my age, but it would be nice to be able to have a little...

Last year I gift wrapped a new bra as a gift to myself. When it came to the day, I didn’t really feel it and never unwrapped it so it has been sat at the back of my wardrobe ever since.  This year I did unwrap it. First gift I opened actually, but in private and alone.   Even then, I just put it in a drawer.  I’m feeling a bit down about my prospects for transitioning after yesterday so now I’m going to adjust the straps and try it on.  It’s a multi-way / strapless bra from M&S. Size is 38A which is the smallest cup they do for that band size. Considering it’s an A cup, they look pretty big. My 36AA bras are more or less flat. I can’t imagine I will ever be able to fill these.  I had to fully lengthen the shoulder straps which is a reminder that I have a big male body.  The band is quite tight, even on the first row of hooks, although I suppose that is necessary to be able to wear it strapless.  Overall though, it’s comfortable and although plain, ...

I had in no way planned or intended to be coming out to anyone today, or any time soon really. Also, I had a clear idea of which of my colleagues I would speak to first and it was not the one I ended up speaking to.   It was the office Christmas lunch and this is quite a boozy event. I had much too much to drink, but so did everyone else so that’s all good.  I’m not sure how it came about but one of the young women asked me what my secret wish was. I think it was because she had a piercing in the morning and so she asked what piercings or tattoos I was holding back from getting. I said none, which is truthful. She said well there is something though, and I said it was far too complicated to share.  A bit later on, we had moved to another bar and she smilingly asked if I was drunk enough yet to tell her. I laughed and said no.  Later still (but still only 5:30 or something!) she asked me again. And I said no I couldn’t tell her that. She promised to keep a secret ...

I’ve now got the draft report and the diagnosis is unequivocal: Diagnosis Nicola’s current presentation is consistent with a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria (DSM-5), such as: • a marked incongruence between her experienced/expressed gender and primary and secondary sex characteristics • a strong desire to be rid of her primary and secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with her experienced/expressed gender • a strong desire for the primary and secondary sex characteristics of the other gender • a strong desire to be of the other gender • a strong desire to be treated as the other gender • a strong conviction that she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender In addition, whilst Nicola has largely tolerated living in male role and being perceived as such, she has experienced significant distress and/or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Nicola’s current presentation is consistent with a diagnosis of Gender ...

The gender assessment is a two part meeting. We had a little over an hour last week and the second part is a week later. Dr J emailed to say she had extended the room booking to ensure we had time to complete it. Maybe she is saying I talk too much!  I asked as I was leaving last week whether I could come as Nicola to the next session and she said if I was comfortable doing so, I could.  I had to go into work first and do a meeting, so needed to be male for that and then change. There was the slight challenge of getting from the office loos to the car park without outing myself, so I kept trousers on with the skirt hitched up under my coat, and used a scarf to cover the low neckline of my top. Then, once in the car, I pulled the skirt down and trousers off, and swapped shoes. It was a bit stressful but I think I got out without anyone seeing.  Traffic into town was then very slow which added to my feeling of stress, as I would then need to park in a public car park, get o...

Momentous day! Today is my first assessment at the gender clinic.  I’m having breakfast now, but in three hours I’ll be going and then coming out with my diagnosis an hour or so later.  Today really could change my life.  I’m going presenting male for the first session, as I think going in a dress looks like trying too hard. I am wearing female underwear under my clothes though to give me confidence.  —— Coming to the office wearing a bra under my shirt and jacket is a little discomfiting. I feel self conscious and that someone might notice the shape through my clothes.  Two hours to go.  —— Have driven to town and just parked the car. I have so much nervous energy!  Started feeling butterflies an hour ago and it’s been getting worse. I keep having to remind myself to stop holding my breath and breathe.   —— The venue seems to be a private consulting rooms used by multiple practitioners from physios to dentists to psychologists.  There is a s...

I have had the forms from the gender clinic since the weekend but haven’t sat down to do them yet. I had a reminder email last night so I need to get on with them.  There are five. Clinical questions, gender satisfaction scale, social support scale, depression and anxiety scales.  I expected the clinical questions to be about health and medication etc but there are also lots of open questions about feelings of dysphoria in a social context, in a physical context, and also euphoria. Each area has a number of sub sections. Having assumed it would take me half an hour to complete all five, this one alone took over an hour to complete. Or maybe I wrote too much!  I do tend to go on a bit. Being able to explain my feelings in my own words was good though.  I really struggled to properly answer the scale questionnaires as where does one draw the line on strongly/agree/mildly or sometimes/often and what do you mean by discomfort or distress and when does distress become ext...

I have some more time by myself so have put on the skirt and top again.  I had been planning to go shopping on Thursday when traveling up, to get a blouse to wear with this pencil skirt. I didn’t get to go to the shops as I got held up in traffic. Also, I had forgotten to pack my female shoes so would have been a bit awkward to go out wearing women’s clothing but male shoes.  Anyway, I’m happy with how this white top looks with the skirt and I don’t think I need to get anything more formal. At least not for now as it isn’t like I will be going to the office in this outfit any time soon.  If I did, I’m going to have to either lose a fair bit of weight around my waist or get this skirt in a 14. The only thing is, over my hips and bottom, the 12 is perfect.  I think I would wear this outfit to the gender clinic if I go to the appointment presenting as a woman. I don’t know what the etiquette is and whether it’s expected to go in the desired gender or if that is trying t...

I had privacy and have been able to spend the night wearing my nightdress. It is really feminine and I do feel comfortable and pretty wearing it. Apart from my hairy arms which really spoil the look. But I love how short it is and how my legs look. I love how it clings to my body shape. Obviously be better if I had a female body shape but it is still nice.  As it is the weekend, I am wearing female underwear and I’m wearing my favourite bright pink bikini knickers with white polka dots and a little white bow. Having been out for the day, I’m now back in the hotel room by myself.  I have shaved my legs, which took a while, but I’ve now put on tights and they feel much nicer with smooth legs, plus you don’t see hair through them which is unattractive. Also now wearing a bra and white top which has a low square neck and shows a bit of skin which I think reads quite feminine. Also my pencil skirt which is a little tight but I love the look. After dinner now and I  have undres...