Momentous day! Today is my first assessment at the gender clinic.
I’m having breakfast now, but in three hours I’ll be going and then coming out with my diagnosis an hour or so later.
Today really could change my life.
I’m going presenting male for the first session, as I think going in a dress looks like trying too hard. I am wearing female underwear under my clothes though to give me confidence.
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Coming to the office wearing a bra under my shirt and jacket is a little discomfiting. I feel self conscious and that someone might notice the shape through my clothes.
Two hours to go.
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Have driven to town and just parked the car.
I have so much nervous energy!
Started feeling butterflies an hour ago and it’s been getting worse. I keep having to remind myself to stop holding my breath and breathe.
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The venue seems to be a private consulting rooms used by multiple practitioners from physios to dentists to psychologists. There is a shared reception and waiting room which when I arrived contained two women and the men who appeared to be builders or similar trades. This I was not expecting and I was pleased that I had not gone in a dress this time! I had expected a consulting room at the doctor’s house or something, and not to see anyone else, or at least if there was anyone else waiting, they would be in a similar position as me.
I signed in as my male name, as I wasn’t sure, although the receptionist was confused as she was expecting a Nicola. It’s almost as though she didn’t know what my doctor actually does.
So there I was waiting and I wondered whether the doctor would come through the door and announce Nicola (as she had no idea what I looked like). Would that be awkward? Would I be ok being “outed” in front of the other people in the waiting room? As it was, she just came over and asked me to follow her, then explained when we were alone that she doesn’t assume names like that on first meeting until we’ve discussed my preference.
The doctor is super lovely and I was quickly able to calm my nerves. I’m never nervous, or haven’t been for years anyway, so it was an odd feeling.
She explained a bit about the process of assessment and referrals and how transitioning would go. She talked about unsupportive GPs and how she thought it was discrimination for them to refuse to help.
She then said that her aim was to enable me to do what I want to do and that she would help with that. She said her role is to facilitate and write the necessary report, but she is not a gatekeeper.
I explained that I was seeking validation from her expertise but that I was also aware that she could only judge on what I reported, so it was still in that sense on me.
She then explored my relationship, family, friends and work, and where I thought I would have support or face problems. She clearly thought I should have told my wife that I was going, and I agreed with her. She understood that I was the one who gave support but said that would switch. I said I expected to still be the one doing all the supporting but she pointed out that transition is really hard and I will need someone to be supportive of me. I don’t know, I still think I’m invincible and will be just fine.
We then talked about different stages in my life, doing childhood pre-puberty, teenage years post-puberty, young adulthood and now. We only did the first two this week due to running out of time.
I don’t really have any particular gender memories about early childhood. I didn’t even know there was anything other than boy or girl at the time.
We then talked about the onset of puberty and that was when it all started for me so I had lots to talk about. I admitted some things which were a bit embarrassing for me, but she was unfazed and I guess has heard everything before anyway. Anyway, she made a lot of notes and I think my narrative might have ticked a few boxes.
It was when we came on to relationships and sex in early adulthood that I made a discovery. There was one penny dropping moment when we were talking about relationships at uni and I had talked about my first girlfriend who was religious and wouldn’t do it before marriage. And then there was my second girlfriend who was also religious and wouldn’t do…oh! {audible penny drop} Did I subconsciously choose girls I wouldn’t have to do it with? Come to think of it, the only times I did do it, was one night stands when I was really drunk. My wife is actually the only person I have ever done it with sober. What does all this mean?
Sadly we then ran out of time.
I asked if I could come as Nicola next week and she said to do so if I was comfortable with that.
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