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3 Nov 24 - planning my outfit for the gender clinic

I have some more time by myself so have put on the skirt and top again. 

I had been planning to go shopping on Thursday when traveling up, to get a blouse to wear with this pencil skirt. I didn’t get to go to the shops as I got held up in traffic. Also, I had forgotten to pack my female shoes so would have been a bit awkward to go out wearing women’s clothing but male shoes. 

Anyway, I’m happy with how this white top looks with the skirt and I don’t think I need to get anything more formal. At least not for now as it isn’t like I will be going to the office in this outfit any time soon. 

If I did, I’m going to have to either lose a fair bit of weight around my waist or get this skirt in a 14. The only thing is, over my hips and bottom, the 12 is perfect. 

I think I would wear this outfit to the gender clinic if I go to the appointment presenting as a woman. I don’t know what the etiquette is and whether it’s expected to go in the desired gender or if that is trying too hard. Maybe the best thing would be to go to the first appointment as a male and depending on how that goes, as a female to the second. 

The first appointment is only two weeks away now. I just checked back to the emails and they said the pre appointment questionnaires will be sent out 9 days in advance, so that should be next weekend sometime. 

I do still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I’m fearful about transitioning and the impact that will have on my life. Cancelling the appointment would prevent that from happening. If they tell me I’m not really trans that would too. If I go to the appointment and they tell me that I am trans and transitioning is a path open to me, then I have to make a decision about if or when I begin. However, I also really want to transition! As I sit here wearing an empty first bra I wish I was experiencing female puberty and my breasts would start to grow into the cups. In the pictures I took yesterday, I do look quite female, but seeing other trans women who are on hormones, their faces have changed and taken a more feminine shape. If I can take hormones for a long period, my face should begin to change and feminise too and then I would really start to look like a woman. I really want that. And the breast development and hips and a rounder bottom. 

So although I’m fearful about doing it, I do absolutely know that I want to transition and that assuming I am allowed to begin, that I will. Looking at myself dressed like this and how I’m feeling, it almost feels like it would be a real shame not to transition as it is so clearly who I really am. 

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