Maiden’s Journey

In the office today and a white shirt is not conducive to hiding a pink bra top under, so after two full days of feeling that feminine sensation all the time, I'm back to not.   One of my colleagues wanted to talk about her future and the team and stuff, so we went out for coffee together to talk for a couple of hours which was really good.  We have worked closely together for a few years now, so there is trust and we are pretty good friends.  This is good, but it does have the slight drawback that she can tell if I'm not feeling very positive and when I'm down.   Our conversation was quite future-focused and on my role and maybe alternatives.  We did touch on what we might do if we weren't doing this, and then she asked me what I really wanted to do and what I wish for from my future and how I can be happy.   And I really wanted to tell her! It was actually harder to stop myself from coming out, than I think it would be to have done so....

 I’ve done another full day of wearing the bra top under my clothes. The one I have on is a pale pink and a couple of my knickers are the same shade, so I picked one of those pairs out so I can wear a matching set. I must say, matching underwear does make a difference. Looking at myself in the mirror before hiding them under male clothes, I felt good. I know that my wife doesn’t coordinate hers or have matching sets. She has knickers and she has bras but doesn’t seem to view them collectively and I think that is probably the case for many cis women. Maybe they just don’t think about underwear as a special thing in the way trans women do because there is no novelty factor if you have always worn a bra every day since your teens, whereas for me there is a lot of significance attaching to a bra. Whatever the reason, I’m wearing matching underwear and it feels pretty and I like it.  The second full day and the conscious awareness of the band around my chest and the shoulder straps...

Even though I have bought a number of bras over the years and more recently a set of soft bra crop tops, I rarely have the opportunity to wear them for any length of time as the shape of them shows under clothes and not being out, I don’t have the option of risking that.  The crop tops are seamless and unpadded though so they can be hidden under a thicker male top and easily if I wear a jumper over, something which is necessary today anyway as it is pretty cold.  So today I have worn one all day to feel what it is like to have a stretchy band around my chest all the time whilst I am going about my day to day. This included mundane stuff like going to the supermarket, walking the dog, cooking, gaming and watching tv.  The experience was not uncomfortable at all. I was never not aware that I was wearing it though. Maybe that fades over time when one gets used to it. I’m not consciously aware of my socks for example so maybe after a long time of wearing a bra every day, wome...

I am only out to two of my friends who know me as my male persona and only one of those lives nearby. She is moving house and will soon have a place on her own in the city where I work.  This will be my first opportunity to be Nicola in person with someone who knows me rather than just strangers at a shopping centre or coffee shop.  That’s a good thing obviously and an important step but also I am a bit nervous about the idea.  I’m worried that if I interact with someone I know whilst presenting female, I might feel ridiculous or that I am putting on an act. With strangers, although they will clock me, there is no prior knowledge of who I am and my male persona. But with.someone who has known me as him for a long time, meeting female her is different.  I sort of fear that I have got this far basically living in my own head, but that it won’t bear exposure to the outside world and will come crashing down as the fantasy that it is.  Not sure when this will be able...

Today I had some time off work and went out to lunch with my wife. We got to talking about whether we might go on holiday together this year and after briefly discussing various European destinations and how we would get there (her: fly from closest airport; me: ferry/tunnel and road trip) we then touched on the place we went for honeymoon. This year will be our twentieth anniversary so seems like a good excuse for an indulgent trip to a tropical paradise.  Then I started to feel guilty. If I come out to her as trans, then the nice reminiscing trip with her “husband” becomes something else.  Could I do that to her?  If I could, then I could wear a bikini and sarong and sit on a beautiful beach enjoying cocktails in the sun.  Hmmm.   Sounds tempting doesn’t it? But seriously it just made me feel guilty that we could go on a second honeymoon and enjoy this amazing holiday but I have this secret and I want to ruin all of that by sharing my secret with her. We’ve be...

Jogging as a girl is one of those things that I imagine and have a vision of in my head.  Today I went for a run wearing my crop top and leggings which is how I imagine myself doing it as a woman, with a nice ponytail bouncing around. In my head, I look good, my bare midriff is feminine and slim and I run easily looking confident and fresh.  In reality I have to hide the leggings under baggy male joggers, and the top under male top, my hair isn’t long enough to pony, and the only thing that bounces is my less than perfect midriff. I don’t look good or fresh, I look red-faced and sweaty and out of breath.  On the plus side though, I may have to hide what I’m wearing but I can feel them and it feels good. Leggings are super comfortable and I can understand why they are so popular. Plus I have great legs and they look really good, pity no one else gets to see.  Maybe I can use this vision of how I would like to look as motivation for more exercise.  I then, having ...

I have been trying to grow my hair for a while to get to a point where I can feminise my look.  Today I had an appointment at the salon to get it trimmed and styled.  It is down below my ears all round and I have had it cut as a bob.  The stylist was a bit reluctant to do that, because apparently not many men have a bob. I said I don’t worry about things like that and I’m hardly one for an overly masculine presentation anyway.  I’m really happy with the results and it does look quite feminine.  My face doesn’t unfortunately so I have tried a bit of makeup this evening to see if that helps. Not as much as I would like and not enough to share a selfie anyway. As I was doing makeup, I have also repainted my toenails in pink as they had chipped and grown out, which is not surprising as I last did them at new year. If I am going to be a real girl, I’m going to have to get used to more frequent maintenance of these things.  After my despondency yesterday, it’s go...

After yesterday of feeling that all the things yam doing are pointless someone responded to say that it feels routine and unexceptional because it is right.  That is a really nice thought. I would like to know that the reason I don’t feel anything special about the routine stuff anymore is because it is the right and normal thing for me as a woman.  Problem is that my head is suggesting an alternative viewpoint: that it doesn’t feel special because it’s like an addictive substance and now what I’m doing isn’t enough of a “hit” so I need to escalate my steps to get the same feeling.  What if everything that I have ever done and thought about gender has been that?  The first time I tried a skirt, gave me a sense of something but I needed more. Wearing my mother’s bras (as a teenager) was enough for a while, until it wasn’t. Then I wore one to school under my uniform which was sufficiently terrifying to up the excitement level. Later in life, going to shops and looking ...

For no particular reason I'm having another one of those days when I feel like giving up.   My life has settled into a routine of doing my small feminine things which are all good, but after seven weeks, it is just routine now.  I sometimes wonder what the point is if I'm not moving forward.  Would it matter if I put on a pair of boxers instead of knickers in the morning?  Would I be any more or less female if I did that?  I have stuck with it though, because going back on any of the things I have started feels like a failure.  And today I did wear my absolute favourite pair which are very pretty and feel great, and although that was nice, I didn't feel more of a woman because of it.  I really want to though, which makes it hard and is probably why I'm feeling a bit down now.  I can't get to the feeling I want from what I'm doing at the moment, I need to do so much more, but I am stuck and can't do those things so what am I even doing and why...

Lately, my wife and I have been talking more than we have in a long time and being more open about our own opinions than we have been used to do.  Not so open that I have shared all my own secrets about being trans, but it’s still good and puts us into a better place for when I ever am ready to do that.  We talk a lot about feminism and women’s rights and the wrongs of male behaviour and negative masculinity. We are both on the same page really and I think she does now accept at least that I am not one of those men and nor do I represent men as a whole.  We spent some time with her friends and one of them has found many (like a lot!) of half siblings from her biological father who seems to have spread his wild oats most liberally. Driving back we were talking about that behaviour and I observed that all men are bastards, to which she touched my hand and said not all. Which actually is the nicest thing she has said to me in a while!  On the one hand I’m obviously plea...