After yesterday of feeling that all the things yam doing are pointless someone responded to say that it feels routine and unexceptional because it is right.
That is a really nice thought. I would like to know that the reason I don’t feel anything special about the routine stuff anymore is because it is the right and normal thing for me as a woman.
Problem is that my head is suggesting an alternative viewpoint: that it doesn’t feel special because it’s like an addictive substance and now what I’m doing isn’t enough of a “hit” so I need to escalate my steps to get the same feeling.
What if everything that I have ever done and thought about gender has been that? The first time I tried a skirt, gave me a sense of something but I needed more. Wearing my mother’s bras (as a teenager) was enough for a while, until it wasn’t. Then I wore one to school under my uniform which was sufficiently terrifying to up the excitement level. Later in life, going to shops and looking at women’s clothing escalated to buying it, to buying more and more daring things. Then sharing my feelings with a few friends, creating a Nicola email address, a Nicola twitter account, reading about transitioning, researching clinics.
One interpretation of all of this is that each small thing that I have done has given me the little hit of whatever the trans drug is in my brain, until that isn’t enough and I need to up the ante and do something a little bit more to get the same effect and so on until what, the only thing left is transitioning?
Have I done this to myself? Taught myself to be trans by feeding my addiction for years and years?
Or the other interpretation, that I am trans and always have been, but have had to progress in baby steps and only move on to the next thing once I am feeling comfortable with the last?
How do I know? Is it even possible to know?
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