Skip to main content

19th February - feel like giving up again

For no particular reason I'm having another one of those days when I feel like giving up.  

My life has settled into a routine of doing my small feminine things which are all good, but after seven weeks, it is just routine now.  I sometimes wonder what the point is if I'm not moving forward.  Would it matter if I put on a pair of boxers instead of knickers in the morning?  Would I be any more or less female if I did that?  I have stuck with it though, because going back on any of the things I have started feels like a failure.  And today I did wear my absolute favourite pair which are very pretty and feel great, and although that was nice, I didn't feel more of a woman because of it.  I really want to though, which makes it hard and is probably why I'm feeling a bit down now.  I can't get to the feeling I want from what I'm doing at the moment, I need to do so much more, but I am stuck and can't do those things so what am I even doing and why do I bother?  If I can't do everything, why do anything?  Why not do nothing?  

I don't know if there is much, if anything else that I can do to feel like I am making any kind of progress without going all-in and taking the plunge.  

Just not feeling much hope right now

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more