Maiden’s Journey

Another week of ups and downs.  I did go out in a skirt, which was nice but just going around shops dressed female is something I have done quite a few times now and I don’t think I gain much from it in terms of real life experience.  Nothing new anyway.  Since I got the new first crop tops on Wednesday I have been wearing them at home every evening when I change after work and all weekend. Maybe the size 12 is a little tight and I should have got the 14, but it stays where it should and doesn’t ride up like my other less structured crop tops when I raise my arms or do something active.  Yesterday I had enough time to do a quick white wash of a couple of tops, a vest, the short nightdress and a few pairs of knickers. I even managed to iron the top and nightdress today, before my wife got up.  Having dinner last night, I was a bit hot, it being a curry, so I took my jumper off. I’m a bit nervous wearing just one layer over the crop top as you can see the outline ...

I went to the Mall at Cribbs Causeway again today on the way back from work meetings and went out en femme.  I wore the usual skirt and bodysuit combination with the heavily padded bra, but with a jumper over so lost some of the effect of that.  Usually I wear black opaque tights but today I tried pale cream tights which made my legs far more visible, or at least I felt that way. It was a little more vulnerable.  I tried a bit of makeup with foundation, mascara and lipstick. I’m not sure lipstick suits me. I think if anything it makes me more clockable as a man than when I don’t wear it.  Shopping itself was a fail as Next didn’t have the corduroy pinafore dress that I had seen online. Didn’t really see anything else in there that I did like either. Not in H&M, New Look nor M&S.  I did get some bum enhancing shorts which are a bit funny looking with the padded bottom but having now tried them under my skinny jeans, the effect is impressive.  Also, I...

I’m still feeling pretty spun out by this whole situation and not knowing how or when or even if I can start transitioning or whether I should give up on the whole thing or what. The state of that sentence says a lot about the state of my mind.  I haven’t done anything about trying to organise blood tests to be able to book the endocrinologist appointment and I don’t know when or if I’m going to at the moment.  Exchanged a few messages with one of my ally friends earlier this week and she was pushing me to go to therapy to help sort out my thinking. I’m a bit reticent about that although that is probably partly some preconceived ideas about what therapy is and who it’s for (by implication, not me).  Of course she could be right and maybe some external help is what I need. I did find talking to the gender clinic really helpful after all.  Speaking of therapy, we have been watching Shrinking on Apple TV which is a comedy about therapists. One of them was talking to a g...

They actually replied very quickly and I’m now a week on and haven’t done anything with it.  The tone of the correspondence has thrown me. It is really cold and all “if you do this, we’ll charge you. If you don’t do this, we’ll charge you. If you haven’t got this we’ll reject you, and still charge you”. Hardly warm and welcoming and a complete contrast to dealing with the gender clinic.  To book, you have to provide blood test results and so I’m right back to where I was this time two years ago when I contacted my GP and they refused to help.  This barrier has caused me to doubt the whole thing again.  Also, things are going really well at work and I can see a good future for male me. I struggle to see how I can pull that off whilst transitioning at the same time. What’s more important? Career and success or a female body?  I want both obviously but I fear they’ll be mutually exclusive.

The message I got over the weekend was from a kind of centralised clinic email, which then gave direct emails to three possible doctors.  I’ve sent essentially the same email as previously to the one recommended by my gender clinic and shall wait and see when I get a response.  There is no doubt in my mind when I do this, my only hesitation before sending was whether my email was good enough, but it is only an introduction so not that important.  —— Just had an auto reply saying they aim to respond in ten working days. It’s a good thing that transition isn’t an urgent medical condition!

Just over two weeks it has taken them to reply. I appreciate that my email was in the first week of January when a lot of people (me included) were still off work, but I was starting to think that they had missed my email altogether.  After all this waiting their response didn’t really say anything. We have three doctors. Their prices are £x and they’re currently taking bookings for months in the future.  The one that my gender clinic recommended is booking for May onwards. So at least another four months wait before I can even start the process.  That feels like a long time, and I certainly found the four months wait for the gender identity assessment pretty difficult at times, but it might not be a bad thing.  It gives me time to try to get my wife on board with my transitioning.  My major work project should be nearly done by then, so I won’t be worried about having to come out during the process and raise questions about my credibility. Which would be totall...

I saw my colleague today for the first time since coming out to her at the Christmas party. Fortunately there was no awkwardness or anything and she was normal. We spoke briefly in the kitchen about nothing much and that was it.  I’m obviously happy that it was normal, but also a bit disappointed that she didn’t speak to me about it in private at any point. Not that an opportunity may have presented itself but I would like to talk to her more.  Not appropriate in the workplace anyway. 

On the train to London now for the big work meeting tomorrow. At the station I was faced with the dilemma of slightly unpleasant public toilet and keeping my resolution to always be a girl. I thought I would have to be pragmatic and use the urinals but there was no one else there and the cubicles weren’t too gross so I went for it. I guess I’m proud of my dedication to the cause, because it really wouldn’t matter that much if I broke the resolution, which is probably a bit pointless anyway when I am still in a practical sense equipped for the use of male facilities. It means something to me I suppose.  I did think about bringing a skirt and trying to be brave and go out for dinner en femme in London. Wasn’t feeling quite that brave so I haven’t packed anything, although I could claim that is a practical consideration as I’m traveling light with only one bag and couldn’t fit the shoes in. But really it is a bit of fear. This doesn’t feel good as if my plan is to transition, then goi...

Disappointing that I haven’t yet had a reply from the endocrinologist as that is the key next step and I’m really keen to have a date and know that I’m working towards something. Will have to chase them this week.   I am still feeling determined that I am transitioning this year and I am positive and excited by the prospect more than scared. There are of course things I am fearful of but that isn’t dominating my thinking.  I have kept up the underwear and the sitting on the loo, even in the pub yesterday which has been a barrier previously, so that is now a full week since I last stood on 5 January at the football, and I am trying to keep this going for ever now.  Had some euphoria this week, mainly from my new nightdress which I think is really flattering and makes me look and feel feminine. There was one moment where I was taking it off and momentarily expected to see in the mirror a female body with breasts and everything. Shaving my body hair every day is really he...

Not that I am obsessed with my nightdress but looking at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning, when I took it off, I momentarily expected to see a woman’s body in the mirror. That is powerful gender euphoria.  Anyway enough about that.  One of my online trans friends emailed me yesterday saying:  “I’m feeling selfish lately.  Transitioning will blow up my wife’s life. Can I really do that?  Do I want/need it badly enough?  I have therapy soon and plan to make this a topic of discussion.” This is an interesting dilemma and she deserves a proper answer.  It’s something that I have thought about a lot myself. I am able to cope with not transitioning, and have done so for many years, so for the sake of others, I should not transition? To transition would be selfish, and being selfish is bad.  Now I have decided I’m going to transition anyway, so does that make me selfish and bad? Firstly, transitioning is in a sense, a selfish act by definition....

Looking at myself in the mirror when I got up this morning, my hair was a mess, but I felt pretty feminine. The nightdress is flattering and I almost appear to have a chest, waist and hips, running my hand down my side to follow the contour of my body just felt really feminine. Love it.  My wife has been out for a meeting this morning and our son is at work so working from home with the house to myself I could wear a skirt. I wasn’t sure how long my wife would be and going to the effort of changing and then having to change back in a fairly short time didn’t seem worth it so I didn’t. As it turns out she was out all morning so I could have had a good three or four hours of skirt and tights and feeling female. Not that it hugely matters and most women wear trousers when it is this cold anyway but it does feel like a wasted opportunity.  Still nothing from the endocrinologist. ☹️ I realised today that my being-a-girl habits of underwear and sitting on the loo have become automat...

Been a mad hectic day that has been quite frustrating from both a work point of view and a personal level. When it is like this I don’t have time to think about my gender or anything. That certainly doesn’t mean I should use work as a distraction or that because I don’t think about gender when I’m busy I’m not really trans. I know that isn’t the case, it’s just normal to be distracted when I’m busy. I would probably have got derailed by these feelings in the past but I can see them for what they are now.  In other frustrations, I still haven’t heard anything from the endocrinologist. It’s only the second working day since the holidays, but I am impatient!  I want to get my transition moving!  I had a look at the information sheet for the voice therapist that the gender clinic recommended. Not sure when I should start that. Feels like something that would coincide with social transition and coming out at work, but probably a bit beforehand so I have had some practice befor...

Damn it was hard getting out of bed early this morning! And so dark too. Did not enjoy.  As a full-time wearer of women’s underwear and seated loo user, this was my first day in the office and I kept that up all day. This isn’t the first time to be fair. I did start 2023 with a new year resolution to always wear knickers and wee like a girl in what was then my plan to transition that year. Didn’t get any further than that in that year, but I did keep up those things for over two months before I gave up the whole thing as futile. This year is going to be different though. I have my diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I have my referral to start hormone therapy. Last time around, I didn’t have either when I started and wasn’t entirely sure how they would happen. More than just the practical stuff though, this time is different because I know what I want. There is no longer any doubt over whether I am trans enough or if I have dysphoria or not. I have. That certainty has given me the confi...

Am I really going to go through with this?  Am I going to transition and live my life as a woman? Am I going to take hormones? Am I going to come out to everyone in my life? Am I going to change my name by deed poll? Am I going to become Nicola and dress female and live my life full time as a woman every day for the rest of my life? Am I going to get surgery and gender reassignment?   I am at a point where it is now everything or nothing. There aren’t any more little things I can do in secret, it is time to either stop and give up, or leap from the precipice and find out whether I fly or come crashing down.  I have a feeling that I will fly. So the answer to all of the above questions is yes, I am going to transition and live my life as a woman and do all of those things. 

Last night, once in the privacy of my own room, I took off my outer clothes to spend a little time in just the vest and leggings. Although I have a little too much tummy, I like the vest and the softness of it. My legs look great in leggings. I love the look on women, and I feel that I have got it. My bottom is not so good though. Not round and a bit flat and definitely not feminine in shape. Hopefully hormones will help with that. The big problem though is the unsightly bulge at the front. There is no way I could be seen in public wearing leggings with that. Maybe with a tunic top that is long enough to hide it I might be okay. It’s bad enough seeing it in my underwear but at least I know it’s going to be hidden away. I would actually like to wear leggings out, but until I have had reassignment surgery that is going to be hard.  I have had this idea for a while that I should go away on holiday and take only female clothing and spend the whole week as Nicola full time. There was a ...

I wore my new long nightdress to bed last night as it was another cold night. It was the first time I’ve worn it. It’s a medium and perhaps need a large around my big male chest, but for the rest of my body it fits perfectly. It’s surprisingly long, all the way to my knees, which means it’s the same length as my dressing gown so risky to keep it on when coming down this morning.  There was quite a bit to put away before opening my door today. The nightdress I had been wearing, the strappy vest I had worn yesterday and the 18 pairs of knickers I had arranged along the top of the radiator to finish drying! It will be so much easier if I can be open about what I am wearing.  I’m still slightly surprised by how relaxed and matter of fact I felt when I emailed the endocrinologist yesterday. I used to scared to even Google feminising hormone therapy in case anyone found out my secret, but now I just write to them saying I want to start this and pursue medical and social transition, ...