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4 Jan 25 - joy beginning to outweigh fear

I wore my new long nightdress to bed last night as it was another cold night. It was the first time I’ve worn it. It’s a medium and perhaps need a large around my big male chest, but for the rest of my body it fits perfectly. It’s surprisingly long, all the way to my knees, which means it’s the same length as my dressing gown so risky to keep it on when coming down this morning. 

There was quite a bit to put away before opening my door today. The nightdress I had been wearing, the strappy vest I had worn yesterday and the 18 pairs of knickers I had arranged along the top of the radiator to finish drying! It will be so much easier if I can be open about what I am wearing. 

I’m still slightly surprised by how relaxed and matter of fact I felt when I emailed the endocrinologist yesterday. I used to scared to even Google feminising hormone therapy in case anyone found out my secret, but now I just write to them saying I want to start this and pursue medical and social transition, like it’s not a big deal at all. I’m interpreting my calmness to mean certainty. I know for sure this is what I want so I have no hesitation in doing it. Could it also mean that I am in denial about the seriousness of what I’m starting and the implications? It could, but I am not unaware of this. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the consequences and how I will live in the world but having spent so long getting to this point I feel like I care less about the negative consequences and am more able to see the potential joy. It’s like for the first time ever, joy has grown to outweigh fear and the balance has tipped in favour. And maybe fear has diminished too and that is what tipped the balance. Either way, it’s nice to feel optimistic and certain that I am going forward with my transition. 

Went to the football with my son today and it was freezing. Taking advantage of my secret female wardrobe, I put on leggings under my jeans and wore my vest under my top. Added layers for warmth, plus it’s nice to feel them and be aware that they are there. If 6,500 people there, probably 5,000 men, I wonder how many others were wearing women’s underwear. 

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