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13 Jan 25 - travel to London

On the train to London now for the big work meeting tomorrow. At the station I was faced with the dilemma of slightly unpleasant public toilet and keeping my resolution to always be a girl. I thought I would have to be pragmatic and use the urinals but there was no one else there and the cubicles weren’t too gross so I went for it. I guess I’m proud of my dedication to the cause, because it really wouldn’t matter that much if I broke the resolution, which is probably a bit pointless anyway when I am still in a practical sense equipped for the use of male facilities. It means something to me I suppose. 

I did think about bringing a skirt and trying to be brave and go out for dinner en femme in London. Wasn’t feeling quite that brave so I haven’t packed anything, although I could claim that is a practical consideration as I’m traveling light with only one bag and couldn’t fit the shoes in. But really it is a bit of fear. This doesn’t feel good as if my plan is to transition, then going out anywhere is going to be taking place en femme and I won’t have any option. Am I ever going to be ready for that? Feels pretty terrifying right now. Somehow, I think (hope?) that maybe it will feel easier when it is a full time thing so it js my normal and I’m not having to make an actual choice to put on a dress to do something out of the ordinary because it has become ordinary. 

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Ok, so that’s a first, sitting on the loo on a train. Never done that before. I guess this is normal for women and girls. 

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I’m not sure I could imagine being here in London presenting as a woman. At least not in this part of town. Anywhere around the big railway terminals tends to be a bit down market and I don’t feel particularly safe as a cis man. It must be worse for women, and I fear that vulnerability I suppose. But there are women around. I think it is being a non-passing trans woman that I’m really worried about. The risk feels higher. 

This is a problem since I would be everywhere visible as a non-passing trans woman and always to some extent, in danger. I feel it more in places where I don’t even feel safe now as an apparently cis man, but that is just bringing it into focus. 

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I did learn from our HR consultant today that there had been an incident of transphobia in the firm, directed at someone with a trans sibling. That’s not ideal. 

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