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2 Feb 2025 - don’t know what to do

I’m still feeling pretty spun out by this whole situation and not knowing how or when or even if I can start transitioning or whether I should give up on the whole thing or what. The state of that sentence says a lot about the state of my mind. 

I haven’t done anything about trying to organise blood tests to be able to book the endocrinologist appointment and I don’t know when or if I’m going to at the moment. 

Exchanged a few messages with one of my ally friends earlier this week and she was pushing me to go to therapy to help sort out my thinking. I’m a bit reticent about that although that is probably partly some preconceived ideas about what therapy is and who it’s for (by implication, not me).  Of course she could be right and maybe some external help is what I need. I did find talking to the gender clinic really helpful after all. 

Speaking of therapy, we have been watching Shrinking on Apple TV which is a comedy about therapists. One of them was talking to a gay friend who had tried to date women in college to hide his sexuality and she asked him what sex with “straight” Brian was like. He said half an hour of pleasuring her then making an excuse before it was his turn. That is just how I feel about sex. Which makes sense having discussed this at the gender clinic. 

Yesterday did afford me the opportunity to do some more laundry and to shave my legs and wax some of my back hair, the bits I can reach anyway. I also tried to wax my bottom as a hairy bum and pretty knickers is not a good look. It wasn’t entirely successful and residual wax did stick my cheeks together which feels really weird!  It is great to be free of body and leg hair though. It is one of the dysphoria triggers to be covered in hair, so getting rid of it is good. 

I’m hopeful of being able to go out dressed on Wednesday so needed to shave my legs to wear tights and a skirt. As always, I’m a bit apprehensive about the prospect of going out en femme but I have to be able to do these things if I’m going to be able to transition because that will be my every day.

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