Maiden’s Journey

Really disappointing to wake up with what feels like a hangover when I didn’t even drink last night.   It’s been such a hectic week at work that I haven’t found time to write this and have barely had any chance to think about anything, least of all gender and coming out.  Last weekend, my plan was to talk with my wife this Saturday.  I am not prepared and don’t yet know if I will. I haven’t yet said anything but I have reshaved my legs and body hair which feels nice and am wearing knickers, tights and a crop top under my clothes.   Four anti-trans articles in the Saturday paper today. Sigh.  Oh no, ripped my tights pulling them up after going to the loo. These cheap tights are absolutely rubbish.   So now I have gone to bed and I have not spoken to my wife about my being trans. I suppose that means I have failed but it is pretty negative to talk in those terms. I can make excuses that I wasn’t feeling well this morning so I wasn’t up to a difficu...

I had forgotten how weird it feels wearing trousers when you have smooth legs. I had tights on yesterday so didn’t notice it, but this morning I really felt it. The awareness didn’t last long but it was certainly noticeable for a while. I so nearly got caught out this morning. My wife was out for what I thought was the whole morning so I took the chance to wash my female underwear as I am almost out of clean knickers even only wearing them at weekends. She got home much earlier than expected and literally five seconds after the tumble dryer finished its cycle and beeped.  Any earlier and I would have had to explain why I was doing laundry, or worse, she could have looked to see what I was washing and that would have raised some uncomfortable questions.  A close call, and why I really need to be open with her.  Although I want to be open anyway. Having always hid in the closet, I suddenly find myself absolutely desperate to come out of it.  I don’t want to let more...

Waking up in the crop top doesn’t give the same illusion that I have little breasts like a padded bra does, but it’s still quite nice.   I went out to the bathroom in just knickers and crop top, which is a small risk of being caught (in the unlikely event that Emma got up early) but I care less about the risk than I used to. Albeit that I know getting caught out in female underwear is a bad way to come out.  Just been for a two mile run. In the rain. Wasn’t too bad, although still very slow and I struggle with the hills. I do wish I was running in leggings though.   I have taken another slight risk now and am wearing a crop top under my shirt.  It’s quite a thick shirt so should be ok and I do feel comforted feeling the stretch around my chest.  Wish I could be wearing a proper bra though. My wife went out for a while this afternoon.  I’ve taken the opportunity to shave my legs.  Smooth legs feel amazing and so feminine.  I’ve put tights on again ...

I didn’t sleep well, which often seems to be the case if I drink a beer of an evening.  Maybe I should not drink at all as drinking a little just seems to ruin my sleep for unnecessary calories.  Mind you, curry without lager wouldn’t be the same and there are many nice flavours to be enjoyed.   For no particular reason I felt I wanted to remove more body hair. I used the hair removal cream, which smells horrid and isn’t that effective. There must be a better solution.  It is nice to be a bit less hairy now though.   As it’s the weekend, I have put on some knickers instead of boxers to feel feminine.  I’m also wearing tights under my jeans.  I did think about wearing one of my crop tops too, but it isn’t that cold today and it might show under my top (which wouldn’t be a problem if it were colder and I was wearing something thicker or a jumper over.   Doing the weekly shop today, there was a trans person in the supermarket.  They were dressed...

I really saw myself in the mirror this evening. I was changing after work and the way my hair fell around my face and looking up at myself in the mirror I looked really female.   Between changing tops, my chest and shoulders being without hair helped to reinforce the feeling too.   Even though the idea of transitioning still feels impossible and can never happen for me, there are moments when I can see how I could be if I did.  How do I feel in those moments? Good and happy. Seeing the female me, and really seeing her, is amazing and I love it.  What is frustrating though is that these fleeting glimpses of Nicola only come about by accident.  It’s something about how my hair frames my face in that moment but if I try to style it to look feminine, I can’t do it.  Nor can I capture it in a selfie. It’s a moment and I can see it but I can’t recreate it.   Perhaps there is cause for hope though. If I can mistake myself for a girl in the mirror, is it p...

In the office today and all the girls in my team were wearing nice dresses.   I wanted to say how I felt left out that I was the only one without a pretty dress today but that would have come across weird so I didn’t.   A lot of driving around today so lots of time alone to think.   Meeting with the private gender specialist for a diagnosis has been on my mind a lot.  I really want to get an appointment booked in, but I don’t feel I should do that without talking to my wife first.  I must admit that I am a bit skeptical about how real a diagnosis of dysphoria really is. There’s no blood test or brain scan that proves anything and any “symptoms” are by their nature self reported.  It feels like they ask “do you think you’re a woman” and I say “yes” and they tick the box? I dare say there are many boxes to tick, but the definition and indications of dysphoria are all available on the internet so anyone could easily work out how to get the answer they want....

Got to wake up feeling feminine again this morning which was nice. My first bra / training bra is really comfortable and feels just right, plus with the padding it gives me a nice shape under the vest.  I had read that trans women can’t really wear first bras due to our chests and shoulders being too broad and the straps not being made for the larger frame. I do have to extend the straps to their longest but it does sit just about right and doesn’t dig in to my shoulders so maybe my frame is just about at the limit.  I’m wearing 36AA although having been measured I know I should be a 38, but M&S don’t go to AA beyond 36.  Also, having no actual breasts, I should probably be AAAAAAA, but they don’t do that either!  All that said, 36AA feels comfortable and although I don’t fill the cups and they crease a bit as a result, I don’t think it would take that much growth for it to fit just right.  Obviously assuming that I ever actually started hormones and develop...

It is so nice to wake up wearing a bra and think I’m a girl.  Not that women sleep in their bras, but I don’t have the opportunity during the day.   I was having a dream when the dog woke me up, that two of my team were having ballroom dancing lessons (unlikely!) and that their teacher was a trans woman but nobody said anything about that. I wanted to ask her things but didn’t get the chance. And then the dog needed to go out.   Now having breakfast wearing my dressing gown over the underwear.  It’s a bit of a risk as my wife would definitely feel the bra if she hugged me and the shape might be visible on my back.  I don’t want to take it off yet though, I want to feel female a little longer.  It’s curious that I don’t seem to have much libido lately. I can get interested if I try, but I’m not waking up wanting to. I know it is not possible that my body has started making oestrogen but maybe it has reduced the amount of testosterone it’s producing.  Co...

I went for a short run this morning, first time this year having had a cold and not felt up to it until now.   The run itself was not bad actually, although only 1.75 miles so not exactly far.   When I started running I became aware of a little bit of breast jiggle with each step. That’s not good as it is a clear sign that I have gained weight over Christmas but…feeling a little of how it must feel when a girl runs, that is really affirming.   In other breast related empathy today, the top I’ve been wearing has rubbed and irritated my left nipple and it’s a bit sore.  If (when?) I start hormones and begin the early stages of breast development, this is something I will probably experience a lot more.  It’s funny, even though I’m obviously not on hormone treatment, it does sometimes feel like my body is feminising by itself anyway.  Which can’t be true of course, wishful thinking.   Now it’s bed time I’ve taken off the irritating shirt and put on my...

Trying to keep up with the chest hair growth is a challenge. It does grow back as stubble as quickly as my facial hair, if not more so, and it is pricklier so getting rid of it is necessary. I don’t think it’s a sustainable solution though as it will probably wear out my shaver more quickly. Maybe I should try hair removal cream or something.   Although that stuff does smell horrible.   Having been in the office the past couple of days I have been able to observe some women.  That sounds really wrong like it’s perving or something but it’s really not like that, I am trying to learn how to be a woman and real women are my only guide.  I suppose one thing that is clear is that real women are all shapes and sizes and pretty much none of them are the shape and size of the women in Pinterest fashion blogs that I am looking at for outfit inspiration and comparing myself unfavourably to.  I can never pass as a woman because I’m not 5’6” and size 8? Nor are any of the...

I shaved my chest yesterday because body hair poking out of a bra is really dysphoric and just plain ugly.   Wore knickers yesterday all day and slept in the bra and vest again overnight.  It does feel right putting them on and comforting to wear them.  Taking the bra off in front of the mirror this morning, the lines are visible on my skin, where the straps were on my shoulders, the band around my chest and the shape of the cups. Those lines show what could be my breasts and how they’ve been shaped and held by the bra. I’ve got be honest, it’s really just that I’m a little overweight and the bra has shaped my fat, but the effect is affirming and I like it.  I wonder if cis girls do this, and dream about how their chests will develop. Maybe depends on how much they know and expect.  I do wonder if it’s just a mundane thing for cis women and only us trans women fixate about breast development.  Maybe it’s even something that some cis girls find scary or aw...

I put on my training bra and a femme vest when I went to bed last night. They’re both made of such lovely soft fabric that they feel nice to wear, although I’m conscious of the gentle tightness of the band around my chest.   Waking up wearing them is a lovely feeling.  The awareness of the bra has faded away and I almost feel like I have little breasts. It is a wonderful affirming feeling. Seeing myself in the mirror, and I look feminine too. I could almost believe that I had transitioned and this was my female body. Love it.  There’s something strangely feminine and pretty about having the two thin straps over each shoulder, I don’t know why, and the bra hidden under a vest is a nicer look than on its own.  I guess I’m a demure girly girl.  I am taking a bit of a risk keeping this on under my dressing gown when I come down to breakfast.  You can’t see the shape from the front due to the double layers but if I pull tight across the back the shape of the bra...

With all that has been going on at work lately, I’m struggling to find any headspace to even think about what I want to do about gender and all that.   Not helped that I have a cold and feel dreadful.   Woke up today still feeling rubbish and with a bit of a headache having not slept well.   After showering I put on some female underwear, which I try to do at weekends. Dark blue hipster briefs or maybe they’re called low rise shorts or something.  Whatever, ladies’ knickers.  And it feels so right. Comforting in some way. Not necessarily comfortable due to not having the right parts down there. They feel perfect when I first put them on though but later in the day as I move around they won’t feel as good.  Wish I could get away with putting a bra on too, but that’s a bit too much for now at least. The other thing that changes when I wear female underwear is that I sit to pee. I suppose when I started this last year it was something deliberate that I had t...