In the office today and all the girls in my team were wearing nice dresses. I wanted to say how I felt left out that I was the only one without a pretty dress today but that would have come across weird so I didn’t.
A lot of driving around today so lots of time alone to think.
Meeting with the private gender specialist for a diagnosis has been on my mind a lot. I really want to get an appointment booked in, but I don’t feel I should do that without talking to my wife first. I must admit that I am a bit skeptical about how real a diagnosis of dysphoria really is. There’s no blood test or brain scan that proves anything and any “symptoms” are by their nature self reported. It feels like they ask “do you think you’re a woman” and I say “yes” and they tick the box? I dare say there are many boxes to tick, but the definition and indications of dysphoria are all available on the internet so anyone could easily work out how to get the answer they want. And all the things are subjective anyway. Is there distress? How much distress is enough distress? I’m sure the specialists know what they’re doing but this kind of diagnosis feels like a pseudo science of labelling and giving official approval of something that only the individual experiences.
I was thinking about what to wear. Going as a male might send the wrong message that I’m not ready. Going as a female might look like trying too hard. I’m thinking my pencil skirt and a white blouse (which I don’t yet have so that’s a shopping need). I want to show that I’m serious and that I am comfortable being out en femme and doing “real life experience”.
More real life experience is something else I was pondering in the car. So far, I’ve only ever been out en femme for an hour at a time. I need to do more. I need to go somewhere for a whole day somewhere where I am seen and have to talk to people. Maybe visit a national trust place or something. Then maybe go somewhere for a weekend and stay away as Nicola. Or go on a holiday for a week as Nicola, some kind of group thing or even a cruise or something where I can’t hide away alone and have to interact with other people as a trans woman. Those are all sort of easy ways to try it out where no one who knows me will find out so it is sort of cheating and not real life at all.
The other thing that is occupying my mind is how to talk to my wife about it. Nothing can happen without that but I really don’t know how to begin that conversation. One thing that might give me a deadline is that I have a hair appointment at the end of February. My hair is getting long enough to go for a feminine style, but to persuade my stylist to do that I need to be able to explain to her why, and I can’t do that unless my wife knows already. So that gives me a target. Here and now though, last week of February is another month and feels a long way away. I just want to be a girl now!
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