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24 January 2024 - feeling I will never look like a woman

Trying to keep up with the chest hair growth is a challenge. It does grow back as stubble as quickly as my facial hair, if not more so, and it is pricklier so getting rid of it is necessary. I don’t think it’s a sustainable solution though as it will probably wear out my shaver more quickly. Maybe I should try hair removal cream or something.  Although that stuff does smell horrible.  

Having been in the office the past couple of days I have been able to observe some women.  That sounds really wrong like it’s perving or something but it’s really not like that, I am trying to learn how to be a woman and real women are my only guide. 

I suppose one thing that is clear is that real women are all shapes and sizes and pretty much none of them are the shape and size of the women in Pinterest fashion blogs that I am looking at for outfit inspiration and comparing myself unfavourably to.  I can never pass as a woman because I’m not 5’6” and size 8? Nor are any of the women I know.  Mind you, it has to be admitted that whilst all the women I know may be quotes “imperfect” (whatever that is supposed to mean), none of them look anything like me. So maybe I’m unfairly comparing myself to models and fashion bloggers, when I should actually be comparing myself, still unfavourably, to real women. Either way, I don’t look like any of them and it’s difficult to see that I ever could. 

Not that I’m obsessed with breasts (much!) but in most cases, real women have breasts that are proportionate to the rest of their bodies. From what I’ve read, a trans woman starting at my age is lucky to develop AAA cup breasts from hormones and that is far from proportionate to the rest of me which would be more like C or D to look right.  

There is one young woman in the office that is frequently tugging and adjusting her bra. She had very small breasts and I suppose they aren’t large or heavy enough to keep her bra in place and it keeps riding up. I find this problem myself, what with having no breasts at all, so I can relate and it’s sort of comforting to have something in common with a cis woman.  

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