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2 Feb 2024 - seeing Nicola in the mirror

I really saw myself in the mirror this evening. I was changing after work and the way my hair fell around my face and looking up at myself in the mirror I looked really female.  

Between changing tops, my chest and shoulders being without hair helped to reinforce the feeling too.  

Even though the idea of transitioning still feels impossible and can never happen for me, there are moments when I can see how I could be if I did. 

How do I feel in those moments?

Good and happy. Seeing the female me, and really seeing her, is amazing and I love it. 


What is frustrating though is that these fleeting glimpses of Nicola only come about by accident.  It’s something about how my hair frames my face in that moment but if I try to style it to look feminine, I can’t do it.  Nor can I capture it in a selfie. It’s a moment and I can see it but I can’t recreate it.  


Perhaps there is cause for hope though. If I can mistake myself for a girl in the mirror, is it possible that I could sometimes pass for female if I transitioned? 

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