Maiden’s Journey

Before I start here, I should say I’m going to be talking here about my own understanding of dysphoria and how that has affected my thinking. I have no relevant training or medical background and this is simply my personal experience.  A good place to start is with a definition, and as I’m no expert, I looked it up on Wikipedia: Distress experienced where gender identity is different to the sex assigned at birth   My gender identity is female and I was assigned male, so that part works, but what about distress?  Does it cause me distress? If it does, how much distress is enough distress?  This is where I find myself influenced by popular conceptions of what it means to be trans and representations in media and fiction.  Ideas like “a trans person is a woman trapped in a man’s body”. Or “it was transition or die” (or variations on that), or “she viewed her male genitalia as like a tumour that had to be removed”.  These, and the many other ways that it is ex...

One of my colleagues used the expression “life’s too short” today, in what context I can’t recall, probably something about boring internal processes, but it’s one of those phrases that increasingly resonates with me.  I replied that it’s something I think of a lot.   Life’s too short You only live once  We only get one chance at this life  Etc.  The message  is the same, even though the usage and sentiment behind each might be different.   I don’t believe in reincarnation or an afterlife or anything like that, so this is, so far as I am concerned, very much it.  This is my only go at life and more than half (most likely) has passed.  That is a pretty miserable thought for anyone   It really troubles me because all the life I have lived so far has been as a male and I wish I was female.  What is curious is that although I know this is my only life and there is no restart option and no “next time” to do it differently, there is still...

Where have I got to this week then?  I’ve been miserable that transition is impossible (or feels that way anyway) and then concluded that being cis is impossible too and been miserable about that.   Then have concluded that the middle ground that I currently occupy is impossible too because that will only result in me coming back to wanting to transition and regretting lost time. Again. Just like last year. And the year before. So that has made me miserable too.   All things considered, daily journaling has not really improved my wellbeing.   Although that said, I have got to the conclusion that the only way to ever get through my feelings is to move forward with transitioning as nothing will ever change so it is either stay stuck wishing I was doing it, or do it.  Maybe that’s something  

Continuing my theme from yesterday of how I could live if I decided never to transition, I was contrasting staying hidden but with a degree of secret girliness for myself, or putting all of this aside and committing to being cis male, trying to find happiness in something else.   Thing is though, I know that cis is not an option, and as I have said before, even if it were optional, I would not choose it.  There have been a few times in my life when I have thrown everything away and tried to be a “normal” man and I just can’t do it, my transness always comes out again, so even if I did want to be cis forever I couldn’t.  Thinking back to the “purges” relocation didn’t stop me from going back to exploring femininity; a new relationship didn’t stop me wanting to; a new career didn’t; even getting married didn’t make me cis. It seems pretty unlikely that a new hobby, a sportscar or any kind of mid-life crisis is going to turn me into a cis man.   So, cis is not an option...

Today’s thought has been: if I don’t transition, is there a satisfactory way to live and potential for happiness?  I spend a lot of time thinking about transitioning and how it might be great to finally get to live as a woman.  One of the reasons I feel regret for time passing and pressure to move forward is the idea that if I don’t transition, I will never get to have that experience of being a woman.  There is an implication in this that only having lived as a man will be a cause for regret and there is no happiness on the path.   Is that necessarily the case? Being a man does not make me happy at all and I want no part in it, so maybe that is true.  Hence the question of the day: could I continue to live as a man, never become a woman and still find happiness? If I could, what would that involve? Does not transitioning mean committing to being a man and putting aside all feminine desires, or is there a level or girliness that could be maintained that fulfils ...

Given that the NHS (UK public health system) has effectively no gender service due to the waiting lists exceeding seven years for a first appointment (NHS published data) I have long known that the only way I could start medical transition this decade will be to go private.  I have looked at some options online and there seem to be a few providers that I could go to.   Today I stumbled upon an interview with a doctor connected with one of them, I won’t name them or their establishment.  Although they sounded very nice and very supportive of the trans community and helping us to get treatment without the excessive wait, I did not form a positive impression of them.  They were not specialists in gender, or psychology or psychiatry or endocrinology but just a generalist who seemed to get into the business almost by accident after helping one patient. Listening to them talk about their business did not give me a sense of reassurance that they would be right for me. ...

I started out this year using this blog as a daily journal, partly to share my progress but also as a way of helping me to process and organise my thoughts.  I managed nearly three months until having no progress to report I sort of gave up, and have only posted sporadically since when I had something particular to talk about.   I think however, that I have been missing the benefit of spending some time thinking at the end of each day, and that daily journaling might be good for me again. There may not be any real progress to report, but I still have a lot of thoughts and these need processing.  It is probably because the end of the year is approaching that I am looking back with regret at another year having passed and me no closer to being who I want to be.  Worse this year because I set out at the beginning of the year with a clear goal and a loose plan which has just not been achieved.  Now it’s December, it is obvious that 2023 was not the year I transition...

Back in February 2021 I wrote a post about whether I needed to be a girl or to be like a girl. Leaving aside the rather depressing fact that two and a half years have passed and I’m no further forward, how have my thoughts on this developed over time? Although this is sort of related to the “am I trans enough” question, “to be a girl or to be like a girl” was how I characterised it in my mind and when discussing my feelings with my ally friend.  The question is not exactly the same as “am I trans enough”, it starts from a premise that I am trans, but what do I need to do with that.   Back then, I was trying to figure out whether being like a girl was enough for me, or if I needed to become a girl. This framed it as two simple(?) options: be like a girl was sort of like I am, a not very masculine male with occasional female presentation; whereas to be a girl meant transition.  As I put it in that post: To be a girl, I mean going the whole way and transitioning. To actually...

My wife was away for the weekend so got two whole days of being myself. Unfortunately there was not really an opportunity to go out into the world and without being seen it sort of feels a bit pointless, although it was nice to do something for myself.  As well as dressing female all weekend, I removed all my leg and body hair, did makeup and painted my nails. What have I learned from this? Positives:  Getting rid of body hair and leg hair is great, I feel so much more feminine without it. It’s a masculine thing so it’s absence removes that feeling of “eugh, I’m all hairy and male”.  Wearing a bra full time is fine, not uncomfortable and actually quite nice to feel it’s there all the time. It’s a feminine symbol, so it’s presence is positive.  Growing my nails for the past few weeks and now painting them looks lovely. My hands are large for a girl, but long pink nails makes them quite feminine. Less positive:  Makeup is really hard and whilst it should be femini...

The way mine and my wife’s diaries have worked out this week, I have been able to spend more time wearing clothes that I like than usual, or probably more than any other week actually.  There have however been good and less good experiences though.  I was in the vicinity of my usual out of town mall on Monday so could go out dressed femme in public and do a little shopping. I’m quite used to this now, so it was easy to quickly change into a dress and head out into the mall. Once I was visible though, I started to feel less comfortable. The first person I passed obviously clocked me, then the next did too. I was feeling very self conscious by the time I got to the first store and then stood on the escalator a couple got on behind me, and I got a sense that they were clocking me too. By then I was feeling paranoid that everyone in the shop was staring at me and judging me. All things considered, it was an uncomfortable experience and not enjoyable like previous outings.  Wh...