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3rd December - journalling

I started out this year using this blog as a daily journal, partly to share my progress but also as a way of helping me to process and organise my thoughts.  I managed nearly three months until having no progress to report I sort of gave up, and have only posted sporadically since when I had something particular to talk about.  

I think however, that I have been missing the benefit of spending some time thinking at the end of each day, and that daily journaling might be good for me again.

There may not be any real progress to report, but I still have a lot of thoughts and these need processing. 

It is probably because the end of the year is approaching that I am looking back with regret at another year having passed and me no closer to being who I want to be.  Worse this year because I set out at the beginning of the year with a clear goal and a loose plan which has just not been achieved.  Now it’s December, it is obvious that 2023 was not the year I transitioned, but now I’m left wondering what if anything will be different in 2024. 

I can definitely say that I want to transition and one hundred percent want to be a woman.  I also can say this feels impossible and there’s no way I am able to do this. And finally I can say with certainty that my trans feelings are never going to go away or leave me alone.  

Am I stuck here? Or would it be better described as trapped. I can’t move forward, but also I can’t not want to. Not sure how I am supposed to square this circle. 

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