6th December - cis is not an option

Continuing my theme from yesterday of how I could live if I decided never to transition, I was contrasting staying hidden but with a degree of secret girliness for myself, or putting all of this aside and committing to being cis male, trying to find happiness in something else.  

Thing is though, I know that cis is not an option, and as I have said before, even if it were optional, I would not choose it.  There have been a few times in my life when I have thrown everything away and tried to be a “normal” man and I just can’t do it, my transness always comes out again, so even if I did want to be cis forever I couldn’t.  Thinking back to the “purges” relocation didn’t stop me from going back to exploring femininity; a new relationship didn’t stop me wanting to; a new career didn’t; even getting married didn’t make me cis. It seems pretty unlikely that a new hobby, a sportscar or any kind of mid-life crisis is going to turn me into a cis man.  

So, cis is not an option.

That leaves transition or being girly in secret.  

The latter is basically my whole adult life, so I know that I can do that and that it does fulfill my needs to some extent. I could go further with it and be a bit more openly gender non conforming without having to come out as trans. Getting a manicure, perhaps subtle makeup, hair removal, feminine touches to my clothing,  growing hair out could all help me to feel more feminine and myself but without major consequences in my life. Maybe some questions and assumptions but I could be ambiguous.  

But I have lived like this to a lesser degree for three and a half decades and still think about transitioning.  I still wish I had a female body all the time.  Having nice nails and smooth legs is not going to make that go away any more than doing some man things would make me cis.  

I’ve never known how it feels to be a woman and have a female body.  If I try to be cis, I will never know how it feels.  If I try to live a halfway life as ostensibly male but girly in secret, I’ll maybe be happier than if I tried to be cis, but I will still never know what it is to really be a woman.  

I know the wish to be a woman is not going to go away, so any choice other than transition can only lead to future regret and repeating the cycle of shall I / shan’t I? Until what? I either transition or run out of time?