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8th December - you only live once

One of my colleagues used the expression “life’s too short” today, in what context I can’t recall, probably something about boring internal processes, but it’s one of those phrases that increasingly resonates with me.  I replied that it’s something I think of a lot.  

Life’s too short

You only live once 

We only get one chance at this life 

Etc. 

The message  is the same, even though the usage and sentiment behind each might be different.  

I don’t believe in reincarnation or an afterlife or anything like that, so this is, so far as I am concerned, very much it.  This is my only go at life and more than half (most likely) has passed.  That is a pretty miserable thought for anyone  

It really troubles me because all the life I have lived so far has been as a male and I wish I was female. 

What is curious is that although I know this is my only life and there is no restart option and no “next time” to do it differently, there is still some part of me that sort of imagines that I will get a chance to try being a girl somehow, or next time.  Even though I’m in my late forties, I do still catch myself wondering what I might do when I grow up! Then I realise that happened long ago and I am already in a career and largely stuck with it. 

This same casual denial of my mortality applies to my gender thinking too.  I can always do it next year. If I don’t ever transition and live my whole life as a man, that doesn’t matter because maybe I’ll get to be a girl next time, so it’s okay, even though I don’t believe that’s possible. 

The thing I have to realise is that there is no magic that will turn me into a girl overnight.  There is no second chance.  I’m not going to get another go and get to relive my life as a woman.  Although I really truly wish that I could.  

The only way that I can ever get to be a woman is to transition.  That is my sole option.  

And every day that passes when I haven’t done so, I don’t get back, that is lost opportunity, no second chance.  



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