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5th December - what is the alternative to transition?

Today’s thought has been: if I don’t transition, is there a satisfactory way to live and potential for happiness? 

I spend a lot of time thinking about transitioning and how it might be great to finally get to live as a woman.  One of the reasons I feel regret for time passing and pressure to move forward is the idea that if I don’t transition, I will never get to have that experience of being a woman.  There is an implication in this that only having lived as a man will be a cause for regret and there is no happiness on the path.  

Is that necessarily the case? Being a man does not make me happy at all and I want no part in it, so maybe that is true. 

Hence the question of the day: could I continue to live as a man, never become a woman and still find happiness? If I could, what would that involve?

Does not transitioning mean committing to being a man and putting aside all feminine desires, or is there a level or girliness that could be maintained that fulfils that side of me sufficiently to be happy?

I know stereotypical man is not me, and nor is the standard mid-life crisis the answer. Well maybe the sports car bit, but not the rest. Could I really replace my wish to be female and live as a woman with a car though? I’m not sure these things are equivalent. 

What level of hidden girliness would be enough? Removal of leg and body hair is nice, as is painting my toenails.  Underwear is affirming too, and maybe some nice nightwear would be good.  

It doesn’t feel like a long term solution that won’t lead me to regrets in the future but maybe needs further consideration.  

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