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15th September - some ups and downs this week

The way mine and my wife’s diaries have worked out this week, I have been able to spend more time wearing clothes that I like than usual, or probably more than any other week actually. 

There have however been good and less good experiences though. 

I was in the vicinity of my usual out of town mall on Monday so could go out dressed femme in public and do a little shopping. I’m quite used to this now, so it was easy to quickly change into a dress and head out into the mall. Once I was visible though, I started to feel less comfortable. The first person I passed obviously clocked me, then the next did too. I was feeling very self conscious by the time I got to the first store and then stood on the escalator a couple got on behind me, and I got a sense that they were clocking me too. By then I was feeling paranoid that everyone in the shop was staring at me and judging me. All things considered, it was an uncomfortable experience and not enjoyable like previous outings. 

What went wrong? Maybe it was the dress. It’s clingy and very flattering, but quite brightly coloured so maybe attracts attention. When I’ve worn it out previously I had a jacket which maybe lessened the effect, but it was a warm day Monday so I was just wearing the dress on its own.  To be fair, I was in a rush, so hadn’t made any effort to look femme other than throwing on a dress. I hadn’t done any makeup or anything with my hair. So the combination of a dress that draws attention and not enough effort in preparation maybe did make it more obvious that I was a man in a dress hence all the clocking. 

Trying to find a positive though, nothing bad happened, it was uncomfortable but that was all. I got through it and I could do it again. 

My aim for the visit was to get some female jeans as I am thinking that if I ever (when?) I come out, starting to introduce my female wardrobe in a low key way will be less of a shock to others than going straight to skirts and dresses. Also, jeans are practical and women wear them all the time so I am likely to need some too. 

Whilst my height does make me very clockable, I am also aware that my legs are my best feature and if I am drawing attention to any part of my body, that’s where I should go to. I also wanted to get something obviously female and different to my male jeans. So I went for the  high waist skinny jeans look. I tried them on in store (which I am relaxed doing now) and wow! They are really very flattering indeed. Full length mirrors in front and behind are great, as I don’t normally have so much view of myself.  Waist down, I am an attractive woman! 

Bit of a mixed day then, feeling uncomfortable and conspicuous, then attractive and wanting to be visible. Rollercoaster. 

Later in the week, my wife was out for her work for half day Thursday and all day Friday  I was working from home, so could wear a skirt which is fine as only my top half is visible on video calls and I could get away with a crop top under a male shirt without anyone seeing  

It’s really good for me to wear female clothing for longer periods of time. Skirts and tights (pantyhose) and bras / crop tops by their nature feel very different to my usual male attire and there is inevitably an initial feeling of difference. Tights, a pencil skirt, a bra top, they are all close and a little bit restrictive so I am very aware of them when I put them on. This fades after a while and over the course of a whole day, I cease to really be conscious of them.  

At the end of the day though, taking them off and changing back to male clothing does feel like a loss of something, especially taking off a bra or crop top and no longer having that warmth and stretch around my chest. That is such a part of how I feel female that taking it off is quite a difficult moment.  

When dressing at home, I have always lived in fear of being caught out by my wife coming home early unexpectedly but this week, I felt that a lot less.  I felt that if I got caught, that maybe wouldn’t be such a bad thing.  The thought even crossed my mind to not bother changing back at all and just see what happened.  

A mixed week then, but on balance, I think more good than bad. 


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