Maiden’s Journey

I have really now normalised wearing female underwear every day, only ever using the loo seated and now also wearing a crop top or first bra every day. I have been wearing the crop tops every weekend day for a long time, but I have now made it part of my routine to change into one at the end of the working day when I get home and change. So each week that is now two full days and three to four hours every night, so it has become normalised for me, like the underwear and I am becoming less aware of the sensation of the band around my chest. I’m also changing into a nightdress for bed every night which has again become normal for me.  It is nice that I am able to do all these small things for myself to help me to feel feminine but none of them are real progress. For me to really become feminine, I am going to have to get on hormones and make actual changes to my body. That means organising the blood tests and then booking the appointment, which itself is difficult due to the refusal ...

My wife is out at meetings this afternoon so I have the house to myself for a few hours.  This is fortunate as I am wearing my last pair of clean knickers!  Have been able to get them all (except the whites) through the washing machine and they’re now in the drier.  I have also taken the opportunity to put on a skirt and tights and a crop top under my shirt.  There is some possibility of my wife coming home early and catching me, but if I’m seated at my desk she won’t notice and I will be able to change to trousers a bit later.  I know it is a bad thing to do, but I don’t feel totally fearful of getting caught and my hand being forced to tell her everything. But that is wrong for her, so I will be careful and change in good time.  — So, I did change in good time but then nearly got caught anyway.  I left the tights and skirt on top of the laundry basket to air rather than putting them straight into a drawer after wearing and forgot all about them. My w...

I was unsure whether to do this, but in the end thought “what the hell, why not try”.  Went to breakfast in the hotel wearing a dress, the same outfit I had worn to the queer bar.  This felt so much more exposing and uncomfortable than the queer bar or dinner.  It was daylight, crowded, a mix of work trips and families and a man in a dress in that environment is completely incongruous.  It may have been better if I had a different outfit, but I had only taken the one dress with me. It is probably a bit more “night out” than breakfast.   Staff were fine, and most people ignored me or didn’t notice. One little girl stared and a middle aged fat man actually walked away rather than stand next to me at the buffet. Hilarious.  Going back up to my room, there was a young couple who clocked me and I heard them comment. Then we got in the lift and she couldn’t stop giggling. Rude! Then two families got in the lift. It’s really hard to hide and be inconspicuous in a ...

I can’t believe I’m doing this but I have left the hotel in a dress and full makeup and walked half an hour through central London to Soho and my first ever queer bar, She Soho, a lesbian bar and man-free zone. Unfortunately no mobile reception to share with friends. Have logged on to the wifi but that doesn’t work. Ok, so how do I feel? Lonely!  There are two groups of friends and a couple.  The chat is pretty loud and I’m sitting by myself which is a bit tragic.  But, the point is, I am out in public as openly dressed and made up as I have ever been. That on its own is awesome!  I have never done this before! To be fair to myself, if I was in a normal bar and dressed as a man, I wouldn’t be talking to anyone either, so maybe that is not something I should be stressing about. Why would I imagine that being in a dress is suddenly going to make me capable of socialising and speaking with strangers?   The music is pretty cool. The beer isn’t that good, and really ...

I’m off to London again for work.  I will be on my own on Tuesday evening as my colleagues are going elsewhere and I’m staying up for meetings and an event on Wednesday.  I have packed a dress and shoes and makeup so that I can use the opportunity to go out en femme.  This is quite terrifying as I have really only done this in places I know and where I feel mostly safe. London is a different story. Having searched for trans friendly places online, there is a bar recommended in Soho. This is in the gay district. I never thought that I would be going there as a member of the LGBT community but I guess that’s how life turns out. I’m pretty daunted by the idea to be honest. The point though, is that I might be able to find another trans woman to speak to about the journey, as I have never actually spoken to a trans person in real life.  There is also the test of being out in public presenting female for a longer period, with way more people around and with no safety net....

I have been up in London for work and came out of the office at the end of the day. The weather was nice and there were a lot of people drinking outside the pub across the street from the office.  One of them was draped in a huge trans flag.  This brought me such joy to see “my people” represented so publicly. I wanted to go over and say hi and, I don’t know what. Just to be supportive and thank her and say that I am one of you.  But I couldn’t. I was with colleagues from work. 

I painted my toenails pink last night. Funny but I actually forgot I had done it and so it was a little surprise when I went to shower this morning. Brighter light in the bathroom did reveal the bits that I had missed though. Need another coat tonight. I have now added to my secret female dressing. I have been wearing knickers every day since Christmas and sleeping in a nightdress every night. At weekends I wear a crop top under my clothes too, but this past week I’ve now added that to every day when I change after work in the evening. It doesn’t make me any more actually female, only hormones will do that, but it is helping me to feel more feminine every day.  I am feeling ever so girly lately. Last night I took off my crop top and vest and put on my nightdress. This morning, they were laying on my laundry basket and I just felt that this is so me.  Then I showered and I am free (ish) of body hair and shaved legs and pink toenails. I just really am feeling feminine now. ...

We discussed the problems in society of sexism and mysogeny whilst I was cooking dinner. One of the subjects that my wife feels most strongly about.  I managed to ask her, out of curiosity, whether in the face of all this discrimination and the patriarchy and all that, if she ever wished to be a man and benefit from male privilege and safety from sexual violence (most commonly anyway).  She said no, emphatically. Like it had never crossed her mind. She wants to change society and make it equal, not change herself to the side with the advantage. She said the world doesn’t need more men through her becoming one.  I get this, but also it’s interesting to me. As someone who has spent their entire life wishing to be the opposite gender, it seems really odd that other people might never think about that at all. I suppose that is what it is to be cis?  I have read some cliche that if you think you might be trans then you are, because cis people never even ask the question. ...